


Stressed, Depressed, but we're trying our best

by ScarletEyes



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series), Thomas Sanders, Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Brennan is a sweetheart, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Manipulation, Eventual Happy Ending, Former Dark Side Anxiety | Virgil Sanders, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, I'm Sorry, I'm so sorry for hurting them, I'm warning you, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Logince - Freeform, M/M, Manipulation, Mind Manipulation, Most of the time, Please Don't Hate Me, Please Don't Kill Me, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Thomas Sanders References, background Anxeit, but so sad, dark topics, deceit is an ass, maybe? - Freeform, moxiety?, not as angsty as i thought it would be, please take tags at heart, slow burn Moxiety, this fic is real fucking sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-20
Updated: 2018-10-24
Packaged: 2019-06-30 04:41:56
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 26
Words: 25,287
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15744510
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ScarletEyes/pseuds/ScarletEyes
Summary: VERY VERY SAD STORY!please take warnings at heart and don't read if suicide (attempts) and depression is triggering to you!the story of when Thomas got so depressed it caused the creation of a ''new side'' Depression.Why is Thomas sad? will the sides help him to no longer be sad?And what would happen to Depression when Thomas is no longer sad?-ScarletEyes





	1. WARNINGS

I know I'm warning you guys a lot, but this story is going to be very fucking sad and can be very triggering!

please read the tags and be careful while reading this!!

I don't know why I'm writing this... It's just a story that's been in my mind for forever.

I'm so so sorry for hurting the boys!

please don't hate me!!!

 

I also have a less triggering story going on called Thrillers and Fairytales (Prinxiety - Logicality) you can also read that if you want :)

without further ado, let's start this emotional rollercoaster shall we?


	2. Prequel: When Virgil was still just Anxiety

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Let's set the scene.

The edge. The edge between knowing and forgetting was laying in front of him. Virgil had made the long trip through no man's land. The empty wasteland around him filled with distant memories close to the edge of being forgotten. This is where he belonged Virgil thought as he saw the gray mist of memories swirl around aimlessly. 

Anxiety he was nothing more than anxiety. Deceit was right... it sounded like some sort of twisted paradox, but he was right. The sides that were accepted by Thomas, didn’t accept him. He would always be the thing that brought Thomas down, even when he did his best to protect him. They were never able to see that were they? He wanted to protect Thomas! He wanted to protect them! But noooo he always had to be the bad guy. A tear found his way to his cheek. No they didn’t hurt him. He was doing this for Thomas, not for them and especially not because they made him feel bad! He was protecting Thomas by eliminating himself. 

He smacked some eyeshadow on his face to hide the smudged out by tears, eye pencil under his eyes. He wasn’t really sure why, maybe to convince himself he wasn’t as hurt as he actually was. If you don’t show it, you don’t feel at as badly, Deceit once said to him. 

Some part of him wondered how Thomas was feeling right now. He was probably happy, maybe a bit confused as to why he was so happy, but he’ll figure it out eventually. Virgil was sure Patton could handle having full emotional control over Thomas. 

Right here, right by the edge Virgil had no control over Thomas’s emotions and instincts at all. Shit he did the instinct part as well... See another thing he never got credit for! Well he was sure Roman could learn how to do that. Logan could even help him identifying threats. 

He was ready! He was going to jump... any moment now... just one more step and he would be gone. Ugh who was he kidding... he had been standing here for ages already. Since the moment Thomas had gotten out of bed. He still hadn’t jumped... something was stopping him. HE was stopping himself! Anxiety was stopping Anxiety from jumping. 

What if this wasn’t the right decision, what if it was hurting Thomas... or the other sides... what if he hurt Patton, the only person who seemed to actually care for him? 

Something tried to pull him towards his room. High levels of activity in the corner of Thomas’s mind. Was he having a panic attack? Impossible. Virgil was barely active in Thomas’s mind anymore... he could just jump now and that would stop all the activity in his room right? His room would probably cease to exist. 

But he was curious. Something, call it an instinct, let Virgil back to his room, where Thomas and the other sides gave him a warm welcome by screaming in his face. 

That had been over a year ago, and Virgil’s life couldn’t have changed more. Every bit of change was for the better. 

Okay Deceit showing up in the Sanders sides videos wasn’t really a good change, but he guessed every series needed a villain and without him fulfilling that role, it had remained empty long enough for Deceit to find his way to fill that role in. 

It didn’t matter. He was happy, the other sides were happy and Thomas was happy. Everything was going great... until it didn’t.


	3. Chairs fall like domino pieces

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A fight with a friend can cause stressful situations.

Virgil was walking through the hallway, in the brain, that connected the rooms of the several sides together. Today had been a long one, with Thomas almost constantly panicking and talking himself down. He had had quite an ugly fight with Joan, one of those fights that won’t be resolved by just saying sorry and pretending it never happened. Virgil could barely even remember what the fight was about, but he was sure Logan and Patton could. 

It wasn’t the first time this had happened lately, which only caused Virgil and Thomas to worry more. Not only had Thomas had several fights with Joan, he also had some problems on YouTube which caused his subscriber counts to drop and less people to watch his videos, that added to the stress too of course. 

He did however got offered a part in a play, which he took and... yeah right, that was what the fight was about... Virgil probably shouldn’t think about that, or it would cause Thomas to worry again. He really didn’t want Thomas to worry, as he already was exhausted and had a massive headache from earlier. 

A dull sounding crash came from Patton’s room. It managed to get Virgil’s thoughts off of the fight, but unfortunately also made his headache even worse. It sounded like someone had thrown a chair across the room and the chair had landed on the wooden floor with a bang. 

Curious and worried for his best friend, Virgil walked over to the door and knocked on it. 

“Patton you okay? Is everything alright in there?” He asked. Only getting more worried when Patton didn’t answer. So he knocked again. “Patton?” His hand was already on the doorknob when he finally got an answer. 

“Don’t worry Kiddo!” How could he not?! He was Anxiety! “I’m good! A chair fell over while I was grabbing some nice memories from a high shelf!” Sounded the bubbly voice of Patton, from the other side of the door. 

Virgil sighed in relief. His hand still on the doorknob, but not moving to open it. 

“Will I see you at movie night, kiddo? I know today must have been stressful for you, but it was for all of us and I think that maybe doing something together can lift all of our spirits!” Patton sounded concerned, and Virgil understood his concern, but the only thing he wanted to do right now was sleep and to not think about anything for a while. 

“Thanks for the offer, Pat... but I’ll pass for tonight. I’m exhausted.” He sighed. 

Patton opened the door and hold his arms out to silently ask permission to hug Virgil. After Virgil nodded his head, Patton clung to him, as if Virgil was the only thing keeping him together. 

“We’re going to get through this Virgil” he smiled, but Virgil couldn’t see it since they were still hugging. I’m sure Joan and Thomas will make up eventually and everything will get back to the way it was!” 

Patton pulled back from the hug but hold on to Virgil’s arm a little longer, to reinsure Virgil of the truth behind his statement. Thomas and Joan never fought for long. 

“Thereby, you know Thomas was right! That play is a big opportunity” Roman said while walking past them and towards Logan’s room. Virgil rolled his eyes at Roman’s remark, but then smiled at Patton and wiggled himself out of Patton’s grip. 

“I’m going to bed, Pat.” 

“Good night Virgil! Hope to see you at the next movie night! I should probably start setting up for tonight!”

“I don’t think there’ll be anyone at movie night tonight, pat.”

“Hmm?”

“Roman just went to Logan’s, knowing them I don’t think he’ll leave that room before breakfast.” Virgil smirked.

“Oh... OH.”

“Yeah...” 

They looked at each other until the silence got awkward and Virgil turned around to go to his room. It was no time for crushes and relationships right now. Virgil had a feeling that he needed to get as much sleep as he could get right now, as he would be working overtime until Thomas and Joan made up. If the made up... no don’t think about that right now... sleep...  
But...  
Sleep!  
What if...?  
SLEEP VIRGIL SLEEP!! 

This went on for a while until Virgil finally fell asleep 2 hours later.


	4. Brennan?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A new side is introduced, what happens next?

When Virgil woke up he realized something was wrong. Something seemed to block all emotional input towards Thomas, which caused Thomas to feel numb in turn causing the sides to feel numb too. This however made Virgil nervous, which for some reason was still transmitted towards Thomas, so now Thomas was feeling numb, while also being anxious about feeling numb. 

Weird Virgil thought. Something seemed to block Patton’s influence in the brain, but not his, while both sides work from the emotional side of things. He had to go check on Patton quickly as he definitely did not want to be in charge of Thomas’s emotional state after yesterday. 

He found Patton standing in the hallway looking confused at what looked like a newly formed door. With the way Thomas was feeling now a new room could never be a good sign. It wasn’t long before Roman and Logan stepped out of Logan’s room.   
Before the sides could say anything to each other about the door, it opened. 

Standing in the door opening was a seemingly new side, as the others were standing in the hallway. The new side was wearing a bland grey hoodie, without a zipper, like Virgil’s has. He was also wearing matching grey sweatpants and a very plain pair of sneakers. Even his hair and skin tone seemed to be more dull than those of the other sides. The side was constantly squinting as if he was getting used to the lighting in the hallway.

Great, Virgil thought, a room as dark as mine or deceit’s and the way that side looks can never predict something good...

Patton enthusiastically started to introduce himself and the others to the new side. He was always so optimistic about these things, always thinking even the darkest of sides could become new friend. Virgil was thankful for that trait, as it had helped him become accepted in the group, but he was apprehensive about this new person in front of him. 

“So now I’ve introduced you to everyone... Will you tell us your name and what you do for Thomas?” Patton sounded bubbly as always, but it didn’t seem to relax the new side at all. It actually seemed to have the opposite effect Virgil thought as he saw the new side shudder. 

“You don’t have to...” he said, remembering how difficult it was for him to actually tell the others his name and how long he had hoped that he never had to say it. Now, he was happier after saying it, but he didn’t want to force the new side. 

Roman gave him a side stare as to tell him to shut up, because he wanted to know who this troublemaker was. Both him and Logan remained unusually quiet, maybe they also were effected by Thomas feeling numb? Right Virgil still had to ask Patton about that. Before he said anything though, the new side decided to speak up. 

“My name is... Brennan...” he said hesitantly. “And... I’m... Depression...” 

The other sides looked at him in shock. Had things gotten so bad that Thomas had gotten depressed without them truly noticing it? 

“How?” Logan managed to say after a while, breaking the awkward silence. 

“It would explain the way Thomas was feeling earlier...” Virgil said looking at Patton. “I couldn’t feel your influence at all this morning.” 

Brennan was just watching the conversation go on silently standing in the doorway to his room. 

“Yeah it was weird...” Patton said thoughtfully. “I have no idea what happened, to be honest! It was as if Thomas himself blocked out all his feelings...” 

“Or it was our new friend over there.” Roman said bitterly, pointing at Brennan. 

“That is highly plausible, Roman.” Logan chimed in. 

“Of course you agree with him...”

“Well do you have a different hypothesis, Virgil? Since you also work within the emotional department of the brain.”

“No...” Virgil sighed.

“Thought so.” Roman smirked proudly.” 

Brennan slowly grabbed his doorknob and closed his door silently, shutting the other sides out. This was enough drama for the depressed side for today.


	5. A sandwich for dinner

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Virgil shouldn’t do this... and yet he does

Patton was the first who was able to connect with Brennan, bringing him food every day and eventually even able to get into the depressed side’s room. 

Roman couldn’t care less about Brennan, and apparently had learned nothing from Virgil’s redemption arc a year ago. The only moments he was interested in Brennan was when the new side decided to leave his room and was in Roman’s way or when Logan wanted to study Brennan’s behavior. 

Whenever Thomas was feeling numb, Brennan’s door was locked and even Patton wasn’t able to get him to open it. Nobody knew why Brennan did that, but Logan had guessed that at those times Brennan probably experienced a depressive episode and just wanted to lock the world out. The same thing Virgil used to do when he had a panic attack.

Virgil had tried to keep his distance from the new side as none of the sides knew what would happen if depression and anxiety got too close to each other. It was on Logan’s request, but everyone agreed to it. However one day Patton had went to the imagination with Roman and Logan to sort out some moral dilemmas, which left Virgil and Brennan alone in the mindscape. 

As usual Brennan didn’t leave his room on his own accord, but now Patton wasn’t there, he also didn’t get any food or interaction with someone, and Virgil started to feel guilty. Looking in the fridge he found out that Patton had forgotten to leave them some food to heat up, and as Virgil was terrified of burning the ‘kitchen’ down, he decided to just opt for a sandwich. He made one for himself and one for Brennan and walked through the hallway.

Virgil was just going to knock on the door, leave the sandwich in front of the door and walk away, but the lack of response and the uneasy feeling it gave him stoped him from doing that.

Virgil knocked again... or well he kicked the door as he had a plate in each hand. 

“Brennan? Hey uhm... I know we... uh... we don’t really talk, but... I brought dinner. Patton is still away and I don’t think you’ve eaten all day. And I know we technically don’t have to eat but...” Virgil realized he was rambling so he stopped talking for a few seconds to get his thoughts in order. “Anyway, I made a sandwich... can you open the door so I can give it to you?” 

It took a while, and Virgil had almost walked away, but eventually Brennan opened the door. He looked even worse than he had done when he first met the other sides, his skin even paler and squinting eyes sunken in. He grabbed at the plate Virgil was holding out for him a few times before he finally got it and turned back to walk inside his room where he stumped his toe into a desk. One of the only pieces of furniture he had, Virgil realized as Brennan had left the door open and Virgil could still look inside. 

Virgil knew he really shouldn’t, but somehow he didn’t feel as anxious around the new side as he thought he would. Depression just looked sad and misunderstood, just like Virgil once did.

“Can I come in? We could eat or dinner together... you don’t have to if you don’t want to of course!” Virgil asked. Why did he ask that? It probably wasn’t good for Thomas if his anxiety and depression hung out together! But Brennan looked so broken and Virgil never wanted to fix someone more. 

Brennan seemed to have forgotten that he had left his door open and was visually shocked by Virgil’s proposal. Patton had probably told him too that Virgil shouldn’t be to close to him, Virgil thought. 

“Sure... but only if... if you actually... if you’re sure... you want to...” came Brennan’s eventual response. 

“Cool” Virgil said as he walked in the room. Brennan’s room was very empty, just four white walls, a black door, a desk, a chair, a closet and a bed. There wasn’t even a window! Not that Virgil ever opened his curtains so his window was visible. It was as if Brennan lived in a large furnished closet, or maybe a small basement. It even smelled like a basement, Virgil thought as a strong and tangy copper, or metal smell filled his nose. 

“Yeah...” it was the last thing Brennan said to Virgil that evening, but the silence they were dining in wasn’t uncomfortable or awkward. Just two friends dining in peace... wow calm down here Virgil! You’re not friends! You probably shouldn’t be friends! 

But still... for some reason Brennan had a calming effect on Virgil.


	6. Feeling grey

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Is Brennan as innocent as we thought? 
> 
> Probably not, because he’s depression...

Later that night Logan, Roman and Patton came back from their journey through the imagination. Logan and Roman went straight to bed, but Patton had to make his rounds and visit every side to make sure everyone was as comfortable (with themselves) as they could be. 

He first went to Virgil, who told him about his night with Brennan. Patton was shocked when Virgil told him about Brennan actually letting him in. He also kept apologizing to Virgil for forgetting to make dinner for the two sides remaining in the mindscape. Patton really seemed to feel bad about it, as he was out of it for the entirety of their remaining conversation. But when it came to the moment Patton said goodnight to Virgil everything seemed to be back to normal again. 

Then Patton went to Brennan’s room. Virgil could only guess that Patton was probably very proud of Brennan for interacting with another side, as Patton wasn’t as strict on trying to keep depression and anxiety separate from each other. It finally was something nice to think about before falling asleep. And Virgil actually slept! 

...For like three hours, when an uneasy feeling woke him up. Everything around him felt numb again, which only heightened his anxiety. How long had he slept through this total lack of feelings? And how had that effected Thomas? Luckily, for both Virgil’s and Thomas’ emotional state, Thomas was still asleep and wouldn’t notice the numbness, that is if it went away before Thomas woke up. 

Virgil could go to Patton, to see if he was alright, or maybe he could go to Logan to ask if he had already figured out what was going on, he could even go to Roman to check if the numbness wasn’t something coming from a bad dream or something... but that would involve waking them up, and Virgil was too anxious to do that, as he did not want to upset them, or cause them to worry. So he silently slid out of bed to investigate the lack of feelings himself. 

“I’ve often worked with emotions. I can do this!” Virgil muttered to himself as he wandered to the place in Thomas’s brain, where the sides didn’t have a physical form. Here Virgil could roam freely through Thomas’s emotions, but he could only alter the parts he was responsible for. Virgil didn’t want to think what would happen if a side would be able to alter another side’s department. Just imagine what would happen if Deceit got a way to alter Thomas’s logical thinking! If Virgil actually had a physical form at the moment he would have shuddered from the thought. 

The feelings that were in Patton’s control, weren’t their usual vibrant colors. No, instead they were grey, like they’re just an unused part of the mind, like they didn’t exist in the first place. Like the main color of the new side... 

Virgil had to get out of there and check on Patton. His anxiety over something being wrong with the fatherly side, bigger than his fear of upsetting him, by waking him up. 

Virgil knocked on Patton’s door, anxiously waiting for a response. Which he got in the form of a soft groan, from someone waking up and a confused “who’s there? ...Wow it’s cold in here” feet shuffled towards the door and opened it. 

“Hey Virge.” He said smiling, before he saw the shock and fear on Virgil’s face. “You okay? Did you have a nightmare! You can sleep in here if you want to! But you should know that it’s very cold for some reason...” 

“I just felt that numb feeling again... So I went to Thomas’s emotions and you’re entire department was grey and it scared me so much, but you’re okay and I’m glad for that but how? And what’s going on...” Virgil told Patton, way to fast to really understand if you were only half listening, but luckily Patton always had full attention for the other sides, even if he had just woken up. 

“Well now you say it... I didn’t really want to worry you, but... I felt the numbness too... and I think... I’m not sure, and I really don’t want to accuse anyone of doing something like this, but... I think Brennan is trying to block my influence on Thomas...” after a short pause Patton continued. “Maybe not on purpose, but it all started when he first formed... I think we should ask Logan to look into it tomorrow!” 

Virgil nodded, silently agreeing with Patton. 

“Oh and Patton?”

“Yes V, Kiddo?”

“Can I still stay in your room... you know, just to make sure that you’re still with us and all?” Virgil asked sheepishly, which caused Patton to gasp and squeal softly. Followed by him stepping aside to let Virgil in his room, inviting him in by saying.

“Yay Sleepover!”


	7. Master of the shadows.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (Little reference to my other fic Thrillers and Fairytales with the title there ;-p) 
> 
> Anyway some more information about Virgil’s past. And the sides starting to investigate the numbness.

The next morning Virgil woke up before Patton. He was thinking about going back to his room, back to the shadows as Princey would probably say. He huffed a quiet laugh after thinking that, remembering the time he could control them, move the shadows around. He barely had to get out of bed to do anything, because the darkness in his room would do it for him. He hadn’t been able to do that in his own room since he had been accepted by the ‘light sides’ and that was probably for the better. Staying in bed all day didn’t really help his already horrible sleeping pattern and his anxious thoughts always went on a rampage in his mind if he just laid there without moving. 

Something he did miss since he could no longer control the shadows, was the way shadows could show him things that had happened and he hadn’t seen. Shadows were everywhere, as it was almost impossible to have a lit up room without them, and thus the shadows saw everything. 

The reason he could no longer control the shadows, was because his room was no longer part of the darker corners of Thomas’s mind. Shadows needed light, but couldn’t exist with a light shining right on top of them. So living in the lighter corners of Thomas’s mind, made the shadows weak. They were no longer an ally, they had become merely decoration, to make the sides’ rooms look more realistic. 

While reminiscing about the powers he used to have, Virgil almost thought he could see the shadows move again. Coming closer to him, as if they wanted to show him something... something with... a chair? Virgil looked confused at the wooden chair that suddenly almost saw black, with the shadows encasing it. This... this couldn’t be happening. Shadows shouldn’t be able to move like that within a light side’s room! Especially not in Patton’s! 

Virgil was about to reach out his hand to see if he could control the blackness surrounding the chair when Patton woke up. 

“Goooooooodmooorning!” Patton said cheerfully. Virgil’s head quickly snapped back around towards Patton, who was stretching his upper body in an overdramatic way. “A good nights rest does wonders don’t you think, Virge?” 

Virgil just nodded as a response, not really wanting to explain to Patton that he barely ever had a good nights rest. Patton was just as bubbly as always, which relaxed Virgil a little bit, and when Virgil turned back to the chair, the shadows were gone. It was probably nothing. Just Sleep deprived Virgil waking up in another side’s room, while the curtains were still down, so the room was darker than normal anyway. Nothing to worry about. 

What they do need to worry about, is how Brennan seems to be able to block Patton’s influence on Thomas. In times like these, were Thomas is already more sad and anxious than usual, it’s probably not good for him to lose all of his happy emotions, even if it also meant losing the sad emotions as well. That would just leave Thomas numb and anxious, which also wasn’t an ideal combination. 

As if Patton could read Virgil’s mind he started asking Virgil, if he could feel the numbness slowly disappearing too. Virgil had to agree. It was still there, but Patton’s influence was starting to shine through again and just in time as Thomas was about to wake up... at 11 AM... on a Thursday... well not really a productive start of the day, but at least he didn’t have to feel the numbness last night. 

Patton immediately went to check up on Brennan as Virgil wandered trough the hallway connecting their rooms towards the common area, where Logan and Roman were making out on the couch. 

“Ugh PDA, gross!” He playfully said, to hopefully make the two other sides untangle from each other, but unfortunately he only got the middle finger from Roman, while Logan was a blushing mess at being caught expressing love and thus feelings for someone else. 

Virgil stumbled towards the kitchen as there was no way he was going to be able to sit on the couch, not with Roman and Logan making out on it. 

He knew Patton would probably want to make breakfast for all of them, but after a restless night, he did sleep, just not very well, Virgil was hungry. He grabbed a box of cereal from the cupboard and ate it like it was a bag of crisps. Until Patton walked in. For a split second Patton looked sad and a little absent, before he noticed Virgil sitting on the kitchen counter. His face lit up seeing the little storm clouds and his energy seemed to bounce back immediately. Patton was such a mess of emotions when you think about it. 

“Hey Kiddo! How’s my little cereal killer doing this morning?” 

Virgil was a little surprised Patton didn’t say anything about him not having a ‘normal’ breakfast, but suspected it had something to do with the mood Patton entered the kitchen in. And maybe also with the fact that Patton was just dying to make that cereal pun, being a cereal punner himself. 

“Not to anxious, so okay I guess.”

“Great.” Patton started grabbing ingredients to make breakfast for himself and the other sides. He had some bacon and eggs for himself, Roman and Logan and quickly made a sandwich for Brennan. “Could you bring this to Brennan and make sure he eats it? Then I’ll ask Logan what he thinks about the numbness over breakfast.”

“Sure... If you can untangle him from Roman.” Virgil snickered.

“Oh, a father always has his ways.” Patton responded with an almost wicked smile on his face. “Brennan knows you’re coming by the way!”

Virgil walked back into the hallway, this time just carrying one sandwich instead of two. He only stopped when he heard Roman screaming from the commons, but it was quickly followed by laughter, so he resumed his walk towards Brennan’s room.


	8. You won’t die from leaving your room

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What is Brennan doing with his life?

“Brennan? It’s Virgil. I brought you breakfast.”

No response.

“Brennan?” 

Nothing

“Brennan, can I come in?” 

Virgil’s hand was already on the doorknob when he felt the door slowly opening. But Brennan was nowhere in sight. 

“Brennan?” 

Virgil didn’t dare set foot into the small, dark room. Not without the confirmation that Brennan was actually in there. It could be a trap. Would Brennan do something like that? Most dark sides would... Deceit would. 

Deceit had often trapped Virgil in dark rooms, because if there was no light, there were no shadows, so Virgil couldn’t manipulate them to find a way out. It was Deceit’s way to punish Virgil, for starting to like the light sides or just anything Virgil did wrong in his eyes. He would have to sit in those dark rooms, Deceit made appear out of thin air, for hours. No food, no water, and nothing to distract himself from his own anxious thoughts. 

It’s strange how Virgil couldn’t use his powers at the light sides either, but he is never scared that he can’t use them here. Because back then in those small dark rooms he was, he was so scared that it mentally scarred him for life. By making him scared of the dark. Something Deceit had just laughed about before he turned of the lights. Sometimes if he was feeling nice, Deceit would comfort Virgil and tell him that he would protect him. Lies. Everything Deceit ever said were lies. 

Virgil didn’t know how long he had been standing there, thinking about his past... He seemed to do that a lot this morning... 

The light in the room turned on and Brennan was standing to the left and in front of Virgil, hand still hovering over the light switch. 

“Are you okay?” Brennan asked without stuttering, like he usually did. 

“Yeah” Virgil answered followed by a sigh, in which his breath shuddered a little. 

“You uhm....” Brennan seemed unsure about continuing that sentence. As if he didn’t want to get Virgil more upset, and in turn getting the other sides upset with him as well. “You don’t loo.. look like ya... you are...” his stutter was back at full strength again. 

“I’m good.”

“Okay...”

Virgil handed the plate he was holding to Brennan and was about to walk away when he noticed the bruises on Brennan’s neck. They looked old, like they were already fading away, but they were definitely there. Had someone tried to choke him? But the only other side that had been in here was Patton. It couldn’t be Patton! He would never inflict damage on someone! Not in an act of violence or any other way whatsoever! 

Unfortunately from experience, Virgil could see that the bruises weren’t created by hands, but then what... Virgil’s eyes hurriedly scanned Brennan’s room until he found a piece of rope hanging from one of the desk’s drawers. A shiver ran over his spine, when he thought what that would probably mean.

Brennan followed Virgil’s gaze as soon as he saw him open his eyes further in shock. But had a little trouble seeing what Virgil saw... what was so scary about his desk? Oh... He lifted his arm to his neck and let his fingertips dance over the bruises.

“Do... don’t worry about that... it’s uhm... it’s from a few days ago...” 

“You tried to off yourself a few days ago and you tell me NOT to WORRY about it?!”

“Shh. Please, they don’t need to hear it... they... they already hate me anyway.”

“And why do you think that?” Virgil’s tone had softened a bit, realizing the similarities between where Brennan is now and where he himself was a year ago. 

“When I fi... first opened my door and told every... everyone who I was... They looked at me like... like I was the black sheep of the family... or...  
Maybe more like... the grey sheep of no family...” A sad smile found his way to Brennan’s face. “Like no one wanted me here...”

Virgil was about to say something, but was cut off by Brennan again. 

“Even... even you! So don’t... don’t pretend to like me right now! I... I don’t even like myself and... and I only make Thomas sad and alone and make him not want to get out of bed in the morning, be... because of me he has one fight after another with his friends and hates himself for it afterwards... and-“ Brennan was full on crying now and Virgil grabbed his wrists to try and ground him a little, until he saw Brennan’s face scrunch up in pain. 

Virgil didn’t have to look to know what that means. Brennan had cut himself tried to kill himself by hanging himself from a rope, and who knows what other things he had done or was planning to do to hurt himself. Most importantly however, Brennan had done that for similar reasons Virgil had for almost jumping over the edge last year. Feeling useless and not accepted for who you are. 

“Why don’t we go to the commons and try to hang out as a group.” Virgil proposed. “They probably just have to get used to having someone else around.” Virgil’s smile was open and inviting, something it almost never was, but for some reason he just couldn’t help it around Brennan. He wanted to cheer the other side up, wanted to make him happy, like Patton had done for him, every time the other sides were mean to him. 

“I... I don’t know...” Brennan said, wiping away his tears. 

“You won’t die from leaving your room... in fact I believe you have a higher risk of dying if you stay in here.” Virgil smirked. He hadn’t been this dark with his humor for a while. It was normal with the dark sides though, which is why he hoped it would cheer Brennan up. And it seemed to work.

“You... you’re probably right.” Brennan chuckled as he walked into the hallway for the first time since his room appeared. He quickly ate his sandwich while he was walking behind Virgil towards the commons. 

Here goes nothing...


	9. Hisssssss

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Logan starts his investigation of the numbness.

When Virgil returned to their shared living room, with Brennan close behind him he couldn’t believe what he saw. Roman was sitting on the floor in the middle of the room playing with 3 kittens while Patton and Logan were discussing something, probably what to do with Brennan. 

Patton had managed to untangle Logan and Roman with... kittens? That’s why Roman screamed? Seriously... Roman screamed because of some kittens? Okay maybe they were cute... like really really cute, but still...well whatever works, works Virgil thought as he walked up to Roman, hoping the prince could keep an eye on Brennan, while he went to hear what Logan thought about the numbness and Brennan’s part in that. 

“Hey Ro?”

“What is it, Virge?” His attention too focused on the kittens to actually think of a nickname, and Virgil was sure that Patton would have talked about the progress in their relationship or maybe would have even squealed if he heard the way the conversation was going right now.

However Virgil also knew that the conversation would probably go south as soon as Roman saw Brennan, which made him doubt his original plan of leaving Brennan with Roman. He looked at Brennan whose eyes were squinting as always, but also seemed to be shining from seeing the little cats. 

“I got Brennan out of his room.” 

“So?”

“Oh my goodness! I’m so proud of you kiddo!” Patton decided to ad to the conversation. “Getting out of your room can be a huge step! Thank you for helping him with this Virgil!” Patton was absolutely beaming with joy and pride. 

“Roman, can Brennan play with you and the kittens for a while? I have to talk with Virgil for a bit.” Virgil was glad Patton had asked, before he could, because he was really scared to ask it. 

“Ugh, fine.” Roman answered while holding out one of the tiny cats towards Brennan.

“I... I really shouldn’t.” Brennan sounded a little panicked while looking at the cat.

“Don’t worry about it, grey(t) depression, it’s just a tiny baby cat, it won’t hurt you!” 

“... O... okay...” Brennan took the cat from Roman and soon both men were playing with the cats, not really noticing the person sitting beside them, and even if they did, they tolerated each other’s company.

Virgil walked over to Patton and Logan. He wanted to ask what Logan had come up with, but before he could, Logan had already started talking.

“This numbness Patton has described the both of you are feeling is highly worrying. It seems as though something is locking Patton out completely, just like what happened when you decided to ‘duck out’.” Logan paused as if he was waiting for Patton to quack, but when that didn’t happen he continued. “Virgil, do you know how it was possible that Thomas couldn’t feel your presence at all when you did that?” 

“I uhm...” Virgil hesitated. Do the light sides even know about the edge? Should he really tell them about it? It wasn’t relevant right? Patton had always been in the mindscape while the numbness occurred, he hasn’t been to the edge. 

“Virgil, I understand this might be difficult for you, but it will help determine how Brennan is able to block Patton out of his own department.” 

Virgil was confused. Was that already determined? He had only really seen it as an hypothesis until now. However if Logan says it’s so than they must have already ruled out the other possibilities, whatever they were. 

A sneeze was heard from the background, but nobody really cared about it at that moment. 

“I was at... the edge” it would have been funny if dramatic music had played during the silence that followed. Well almost silence as Patton gasped loudly and another sneeze could be heard from where Roman and Brennan were playing with the kittens. 

“The... edge?” Logan was confused. What edge? Was he going to jump from a high place? Or was it another kind of edge? He pondered it for so long that edge didn’t even sound like an existing word anymore. 

“You mean the edge of consciousness?” Patton gasped again. “The edge between knowing and forgetting! That place is dangerous Virge!” 

Sneeze 

“The edge between knowing and forgetting?” 

“Yeah... it was pretty common knowledge between, as Roman called them the ‘dark sides’.” Virgil shrugged. “Everything that falls over the edge is removed from the brain completely. Thomas basically just forgets it ever existed, and we probably would too.”

Sneeze 

“So I assume you didn’t take it as far as to actually jump?” 

“Nope. You guys showed up in my room just in time...” 

“Aww my poor little anxious baby!”

“Pat, I’m okay now, no need to...” Patton cut Virgil off by hugging him. And Virgil would lie if he said that he didn’t appreciate it. 

“Hmm, maybe my hypothesis was wrong... Patton hasn’t left the mindscape, when this numbness appeared. So it must be something else. I’ll investigate it further after breakfast.” 

Sneeze

Now that the important conversation had come to an end, the sneeze suddenly reminded Virgil of something. 

“Wait Patton aren’t you allergic to cats? Why would you summon something you’re allergic of?”

“I like cats!” Patton beamed. “Don’t worry, Kiddo!” Ugh why did everyone tell him not to worry about things today... he was anxiety, it was all... no not all... a big part of what he did! “I took some allergy medication, before summoning them!”

Sneeze

“Do you have some for tracksuit Dracula over here?” 

The other sides finally looked back at Roman and Brennan. Only to see Brennan’s usual squinting eyes, were even smaller now and looked red and irritated. He was also sniffling and sneezing every few seconds. Virgil could smash his head on the table, for causing the new side even more pain, or at least discomfort. 

“I don’t think that would work anymore...” Patton said thoughtfully. “The box says you should take it before interacting with cats.”

“Well, you are correct, but you also previously committed to eating Play-dough.” 

“I take my allergies very seriously Logan! Otherwise I could never pet and cuddle all these cute cats!” Patton gasped “Poor Brennan, he probably didn’t even know he was allergic to them in the first place!” 

Patton walked up to the side, that by now was a sneezing mess. 

“Let’s get you back to your room. I know exactly what you need right now!” He exclaimed enthusiastically, as he grabbed Brennan by the arm. The kittens disappearing as soon as he left the common area. Leaving just Virgil and... 

“Oh my god! Can you guys not kiss each other for one second!” 

Logan wrestled himself free from the kiss. 

“If you’d rather listen to us arguing?”

“Never mind! Just get a room and keep your PDA to yourself!”

“Doesn’t PDA stand for Public Display of Affection?” Roman asked confused.

“You can kiss in public... as long as you do it in private!”

“That doesn’t make any logical sense, Virgil.” Logan retorted.

“Hissssss”


	10. A short drive towards nothingness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oof this chapter is kinda heavy. 
> 
> Sorry Thomas.

They lived like that for a while. Logan investigating the numbness if he wasn’t either kissing or arguing with Roman. Patton and Virgil trying to include Brennan in activities or just taking care of him in general and it actually seemed to work in making Brennan happier. Meanwhile Thomas was still blissfully unaware his depression had actually manifested itself as a ‘new side’ in his mind. 

Brennan didn’t show up in Videos, he wouldn’t do any good anyway and Thomas’s fans would probably hate him too, since he was the reason Thomas hadn’t made a ‘good’ scripted video in a while. The last Sanders Sides had dropped in quality significantly and fans were staring to notice. 

Thomas wasn’t really sure what to do anymore. Everything that used to bring him joy now just brought... nothingness. He was starting to doubt participating in that play that was the reason his fight with Joan started. A fight that still wasn’t really resolved. For the play Thomas has had to make some though choices, he wasn’t always proud of, looking back on them. 

Luckily he had Roman and Patton to convince him that he was still doing good... Well most of the time. And usually that worked. Usually Thomas thought the things he did wrong weren’t too bad. Was it weird that he started to feel like that after weeks of just... feeling off? 

Logan had told him, he was working on some theories, but Thomas hadn’t gotten an answer from him yet. He wouldn’t get his answer from him either, as while he was driving the passengers seat next to him was suddenly filled by someone that looked just like him, but he was sure he had never met before. Well for a second he thought it was Patton wearing his cat hoodie, because of the grey he could see from the corner of his eye, but the theory was proven false, when Thomas looked to his right at a red stop light.

Thomas had been feeling numb all day, which subdued the shock a little and helped him keep his attention to the crossroad in front of him. 

“Who are you?” He asked, since he was feeling numb, but still could be bothered enough to be curious about the unfamiliar side sitting next to him. 

“Brennan... Depression.” Was the short answer he got before the stoplight turned green. “It’s green now.” 

“Thanks...” Thomas muttered while he pulled up. He was very confused now. Had the other sides known about his sad feelings materializing into a new side that called himself depression? Was all the sadness, numbness and doubt he had been feeling the last view weeks caused by this new side sitting next to him? 

“You know, when you think about it you’re just talking to yourself right now...”

“I mean I guess...” Thomas answered hesitantly. “You said you were my depression? Am I depressed?”

“I wouldn’t be here if you weren’t.” 

“Right...” 

The awkward conversation continued, with Brennan telling Thomas all the the things he had done wrong in the last view weeks, while also telling him how he should feel about it. 

Thomas knew he should get of the road and quick. The numbness in his mind erasing all feelings but anxiety and the new side next to him only fueling that anxiety and telling him he should feel other things, but he just can’t. 

“And you did nothing wrong with starting in that play... but Joan still HATES you. This is a fight that probably doesn’t have a happy ending...”

Thomas’ hands were gripping the steering wheel tighter and tighter. 

“You’re so useless Thomas. Don’t you see it? It’s not the play’s fault, it’s yours!”

10 more minutes until Thomas would reach his house.

“You messed it up! You can either try to fix it, but you don’t have the energy for that, you lazy pig. Or you could just search for new friends... like that’s ever gonna happen...

Brennan’s voice buzzed in the back of Thomas’ mind. Constantly telling him that he was a horrible person and that everything was his fault. Thomas was about to angrily tell this Brennan dude to shut up, which made him turn his head fully towards the side sitting next to him, the road completely forgotten. 

“Huh, you’re probably right, to just end it right now. Saves a lot of people the trouble of dealing with you.” 

Thomas wasn’t sure where that comment came from until it was too late. His car getting off the road and moving towards a tree dangerously fast. Thomas couldn’t correct it anymore and his car hit the tree full on. He could feel his consciousness fading. Wondering where the other sides were, while Brennan was talking to him. 

Funnily enough, the were also focussing on Brennan. Virgil and Roman standing in front of his door, trying to get him to open it, something he never did during the numbness, but Virgil never wanted to leave him alone for too long. Logan was floating around in the emotional department to figure out why it turned grey during periods of numbness. 

Patton had told the others he would lay down in his room for a bit, as the strain of trying to keep his emotional influence on Thomas during the numbness, was starting to become to much for him. 

Everything was going decent for the sides. That was until the blackout. 

Virgil screamed and quickly clung to Roman as the mindscape turned completely dark. Luckily the other sides knew of his fear of the dark, just not about the reasons behind it, otherwise Roman might have drawn his sword, for something that might be attacking Virgil. At the same time Logan was slammed back into the hallway, Thomas’ brain starting to lock them in the mindscape, in their physical form. 

“Lo, you there?” Princey called out to his boyfriend who hopefully was the sound of the crash he heard. Virgil was still clinging onto him as if he was his only lifeline, while he was shaking. Badly.

“Confirmative.” Logan answered Roman’s call.

“Got any idea what caused this specks?”

“Though I do not have any visual conformation, to support my theory. I believe Thomas has for some reason lost consciousness. Does any of you know what he was doing that might have caused this reaction from his body?” He asked trying to find his was to the other sides. Which made Virgil gasp and squeak.

“I don’t know... we were to busy trying to get the grey(t) depression out of his room and-“

“He was driving.” Virgil cut Roman off. All sides now looking in horror as the red emergency lighting turned on and Virgil quickly let go of Roman’s arm. 

This wasn’t good.


	11. My heRO

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pain medication is a funny thing

Thomas woke up in hospital, slightly confused, and surprisingly not feeling that hurt? 

“Pain medication.” He looked up to see who had answered his unasked question. 

It was Roman, standing next to a sleeping Joan. 

“Wha-“ Thomas started talking. Trying to ask what happened. 

“Shhh. You probably shouldn’t talk out loud right now... people will probably think you’re crazy talking to thin air.” Roman was unusually reasonable, which probably meant... 

“Yes” Roman sighed pinching his nose. “Logan is completely out of it because of the medication... I’m glad he even allowed me to go and talk with you!” He started chuckling. “You should have seen him! He kept talking about bees and crofters and then he got existential, because his glasses allow him to see things, while he can’t see a thing through Patton’s, because they apparently have a different prescription... and he just kept taking his glasses of and squinting for a while, before putting his glasses back on. It was hilarious! Oh and he was giggling like crazy! And-“ a voice came out of nowhere cutting Roman off.

“Can you cut it short Princey. I don’t know how long I can keep Thomas from doing the same!” 

“Pff This is important information Panic! At the everywhere!” Roman huffed. “Virgil is keeping you on edge so your body doesn’t react that badly to the medication, and you can still focus relatively normal” he quickly explained to Thomas. “Anyway I was here to ask you. What the hell happened to you?! Virgil said you were driving and we concluded you had passed out... but why?!”

“There-“ 

“Ssshhh. Just think your answer, don’t say it out loud.I will know what you wanted to say, since I’m part of you and all that.” 

And So Thomas tried his hardest to think about what happened just before the crash. At the same time he could feel Virgil straining to keep his body on high alert, and slowly losing his grip on Thomas’ mind. The moment Thomas thought of Brennan, and what he had said that eventually led to the crash, Roman huffed.

“I knew that depressed grey goose meant trouble. If you don’t mind Thomas, I have something to discuss with the other sides and the sooner you get used to the medication, the sooner we can actually use Logan’s brain again.” 

Roman sunk out and quickly signed to Virgil that he got his answer. Virgil collapsed after using up so much energy, so Roman helped him to his room, before going back to Logan’s Room, where Patton was taking care of the logical side, who was still very high on pain medication. 

“Rooooooommaaaaann?”

“Yes dear?” Roman was having a very hard time keeping in his laughter. 

“Did you know it might rain diamonds on Jupiter?” Logan started to hum a few notes of ‘Drops of Jupiter’ from Train, before continuing where he left off. “If I could go there I’d bring some home for you. Wait maybe I can make a spacecraft to collect them for you!” Who said Logan couldn’t be romantic? He just has to be a little high to actually show it. Roman wondered if it worked the same way if Thomas would be really drunk. They should totally test that out some time!

“Oh and Rooooooo?” 

“Yeah?” 

“Did you know that space is like really big, like sooo big!!” Logan said while spreading his arms out to indicate how big space was. What if I get lost when getting you pearls? No wait... it wasn’t pearls, was it? 

“If you would get lost in space, I would personally fly after you to save you!”

“Yeah, my heroooo!” He giggled. “Get it? HeRO as in ROman? Where has Patton gone? He would have liked that pun!” 

Patton had left the room to leave the two turtledoves alone for a moment. Maybe he went to check up on Virgil or something, Roman thought, before focusing his attention back on his boyfriend, who kept telling him weird science facts and that he loved him. Tonight was going to be a good night and Roman had enough time to worry about Brennan tomorrow. There wasn’t much he could try to do within the hospital anyway. 

Meanwhile Virgil shouldn’t have been left alone in his room. He had used up a lot of energy, getting Thomas worked up, but now that the medication was starting to do its job, all the nervous energy bounced right back to Virgil. It wouldn’t hurt Thomas, Virgil was glad to know that, but it did hurt him... a lot, not physically, no... But very much mentally.

There he was sitting next to his door where Roman had left him, to go check on Logan. Virgil’s legs were pulled up to his chest and his head was hidden in his arms. He was shaking and sobbing, for no particular reason, other than having way to much anxiety in his system... oh and maybe he also hated himself for not warning Thomas on time, to prevent the crash. He still had to get the details from Roman, as he couldn’t hear Thomas’ thoughts, while straining to keep Thomas clear enough to answer, but he was sure he could have prevented it, if he had paid attention to Thomas at that time.

A knock on his door managed to get Virgil away from his own anxious thoughts for a moment. Just long enough to yell 

“Go away!” 

At the stranger on the other side of the door. 

“No.” A steady and self assured voice answered him. 

Virgil had no idea who it was, since technically they all had Thomas’ voice and from just the word ‘no’ Virgil couldn’t point out who it was. Probably not Logan at this moment, but Virgil’s mind was so in shambles right now, that for him Logan was still a reasonable option.

Virgil heard the other side sit down against his closed door. 

“You don’t have to say anything if you don’t want to... but I know you’re upset. I can feel it! So I’m not leaving you alone.”


	12. Before it’s too late.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It’s panic! Time 
> 
> And then breakfast time!
> 
> Oh and serious talk time.

Joan definitely didn’t film Thomas’ reaction to the pain medication. Definitely not! Meanwhile Thomas kept apologizing for their stupid fight. Telling Joan he should have listened to them. It definitely was a very sweet sight, that left Talyn very confused when they came to visit, until they were told how much medication Thomas was on of course. 

While Thomas was graveling, Virgil was trying his best to calm down from his panic attack. The voice behind the door telling him to think about good things from the past and focus on his breathing. By now Virgil was thinking clearly enough to know the voice had to be Patton’s. The other sides wouldn’t know about the things the voice was describing to Virgil so vividly, that Virgil could almost see them happening in front of him.

Like the times Patton had stood up for Virgil, when Roman was teasing him again. The times Patton had brought him deliciously cooked meals, like bacon and eggs, or pancakes, whenever Virgil didn’t want to leave his room for breakfast. The cards they had exchanged in the Sanders Sides videos and of course their many sleepovers, in Patton’s room, as Patton was afraid of the spider curtains/webs in Virgil’s room. Those sleepovers that contained very little actual sleeping, but a lot of OVERexcitement.

“Thanks Pat.” Virgil said once he was completely calmed down. He stretched his legs and arms, while still sitting on the floor. “I think I’m going to bed now.” He yawned. 

“You’re welcome, kiddo.” Patton said from the other side of the door. He really wanted to come in and hug Virgil, but Virgil said he was going to bed... so he probably wasn’t really in a touchy mood. And thus Patton left towards his own room. Still not entirely sure what had happened with Thomas, as nobody had told him yet. But judging on Virgil’s reaction, and Logan currently being kept in his room by Roman, it was probably something bad.

Virgil felt bad for not giving Patton a hug after he had helped so much to try and calm him down. He almost ran back from his bed towards the door, but when he opened it Patton wasn’t there anymore. The hallway was empty, maybe Patton had gone to the commons? Virgil yawned, he should probably get to bed, he could always thank Patton tomorrow, when Thomas hopefully had less medication in his system.

And that’s exactly what Virgil did the next morning. All the sides were present at breakfast when Virgil hugged Patton to thank him for last night. Patton’s shoulders tensed for a moment, not expecting a hug and definitely not from Virgil, but he couldn’t say this wasn’t something he had wanted for a while. 

“Woah where does that come from, kiddo. Not that your happy pappy Patton isn’t happy with your sudden fondness of physical affection! You know I could hug you all day, if you let me! But you’re usually not up for that.” Patton giggled. 

“Ugh PDA” Roman said with a cheeky wink towards Virgil, who quickly let go of Patton. While Logan and Roman laughed and Brennan almost buried his face in his cereal bowl. 

“It’s a thank you for last night...”

“Last night?” 

Yeah, when you helped me calm down from my panic attack...” Virgil looked Patton straight in the eyes, something he could never do with anyone but him. “I didn’t know what to do to show you my appreciation for the things you said to me yesterday” Virgil looked away again. Towards the table filled with breakfast foods. “And I know you like hugs... so... thank you.” 

Brennan almost squealed into his breakfast as Virgil thanked the moral side. And even Roman and Logan smiled seeing the anxious side initiating physical contact. The sight just too cute to handle, but there were more important matters to discuss.

As soon as Brennan left to go back to his room Roman tackled the other sides for a group meeting. 

“Shouldn’t Brennan be here too?” Virgil asked, looking at the direction Brennan had left in only 10 minutes earlier.

“No dark sides allowed!” Roman quickly said to shut him up. Brennan just couldn’t be here for this conversation.

“I would say he fits more in the grey area” Patton joked.

“Patton... now’s not the time for jokes! We know he’s a dark side, as depression is Never a positive thing!” Roman said, sounding a little offended and very self assured. 

“What is so important about this  
‘group meeting’ with no ‘dark sides’ allowed’ I can only assume you’re not including Virgil in that, as you have not send him away yet-“ 

“Hey!” Virgil cut Logan off. 

“Apologies Virgil. What I’m trying to say is. What is so important that we have to discuss it right now. Without Brennan.” 

“I know what caused Thomas to crash into that tree.” A gasp was heard from on top of the stairs as Roman said that, but the other sides were to focused on Roman’s story to notice. “It was Brennan! He was distracting Thomas by talking bad about him! Then when Thomas lost his focus on the road... He told him to off himself!” The other sides gasped loudly, which drowned out the sound of the chocked gasp and sobs, coming from the side that was excluded from their little chat. 

“We need to do something about Brennan... before it’s too late.” Roman concluded his story of how Thomas ended up in hospital.


	13. Walking on the edge

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Poor Brennan

The sides had another emergency group meeting when Thomas was released from hospital. This meeting once again excluded Brennan, but this time Thomas was present. He was however not standing in his usual spot in the living room as he had a broken leg from the accident. So Thomas was sitting on the couch while the other sides stood in their usual spots. 

Only Virgil was aware of the depressed side sitting at the top of the stairs listening to their conversation. He didn’t tell the others as he still believed Brennan couldn’t have told Thomas to kill himself. He knew it was something Brennan had tried to do to himself many times so both Thomas and him wouldn’t have to feel bad about themselves, which made it even less likely that he would want to kill Thomas. 

Brennan wasn’t killing himself, to hurt Thomas. It was to save Thomas from his influence! Virgil was starting to piece some things together and although the total picture wasn’t clear... Everything pointing towards Brennan not being in the car with Thomas, but then again... they didn’t know where Brennan was at the time. He had locked himself in his room and the numbness had taken over. Patton was in his own room as well, which meant that only Roman and Logan were accounted for, but Virgil knew Patton would never do something like this! Maybe it was Deceit, they hadn’t heard from him in a while, and that while Thomas had made some questionable choices lately and- Virgil’s train of thought stopped there as he caught what the others were talking about.

“What about the edge?” Patton suddenly asked. Well maybe it wasn’t that sudden, but Virgil just got back in the conversation, so it seemed to be coming out of nowhere. 

“The edge?” Thomas asked confused. 

“Yeah, there’s this place in your mind where all the thoughts, that you no longer think about, go. It’s basically a big grey wasteland with thought swirling around until they fall of the edge and are completely forgotten.” 

“How do you know all this information?” Roman asked, both curious and a little scared, by how a cute puffball like Patton would know about these sorts of things.

“Well... Virgil told us that’s where he went when Thomas couldn’t feel his influence anymore, remember Logan?” 

“You mean Virgil was at a grey wasteland when he ducked out?” Thomas was learning more and more about himself each day.

...

“Yeah, I was” 

“Ah Virgil you’re back in the conversation! Great!” Patton said happily. “You would almost say you were as slow to catch on as Microsoft Edge!” He giggled to himself, even though the pun was very, very far fEDGEd. 

“Patton, are you suggesting we push Brennan off the edge? As I believe that would be equivalent to the murder of a human.” 

“No!” Patton gasped. “Logan you know I would never do that! Murder is wrong! ...I was just thinking, maybe he could stay in the wastelands for a little bit... until we figure out what to do about the numbness and the tendency to say bad things at the wrong time...”

“Patton could have a valid point here, strangely enough. Virgil has admitted that while he was there he had no influence over Thomas’ emotional state whatsoever. If we were to trap Brennan in that same space-“

“No.” Virgil barely recognized his own voice as it was deep and echoing with the anxiety filling his entire being. 

Everyone looked confused towards Virgil, not realizing how anxious Thomas would get about locking away one of his sides, until his anxiety literally decided to speak up. 

“If we were to trap Brennan in that space he would be dead as soon as he found the edge!” Virgil tried to keep calm but his still distorted voice gave his panic away. “He is suicidal as shit!”

“He is what now?” Roman asked clearly confused at the turn of events. 

“Haven’t you guys seen the marks on his neck and wrists that never seem to fade, because new ones are added before the old once can disappear?!” 

It was silent for a bit, nobody really knowing what to say. Virgil could feel Brennan sink out behind him, and wanted to do nothing more than to go after him. But he couldn’t! If he left the decision making up to the other sides... Brennan’s faith would be sealed.

“Kiddo-“

“No Patton, you must have seen them! You were the first person he trusted enough to let into his room! You must have noticed something!” 

“Virgil please, calm down.” Logan had heard enough emotions speaking right now. It was time to look at this the logical way. “If what you say is true, and Brennan has tried to commit suicide a numeral amount of times... don’t you think it’s highly plausible that Brennan, after realizing that since we are only fragments of Thomas’ mind, to end his own misery he would have to stop Thomas’ mind from functioning and thus had to kill him?

Roman nodded enthusiastically, knowing his boyfriend was right, and being very proud about it. 

Thomas and Patton still seemed unsure. It really was a moral dilemma they had to deal with here. Brennan hadn’t been too bad towards the sides, but his suicidal tendencies were a danger towards Thomas’ health and as their host, Thomas’ health was the most important. 

“What if we don’t tell him about the edge and just leave him in the wasteland?” Patton tried. 

“That could work.” Thomas agreed. Virgil was about to step in again, telling the others that Brennan had already heard everything, when the others noticed Virgil and Thomas getting anxious again, so Roman decided to speak up before Virgil could.

“Listen Dark and moody, I know you don’t like this idea, but do you have anything better? Yes you got a second chance, but you actually contribute something somewhat positive to Thomas. Whereas Brennan almost killed him!” 

Virgil was afraid he was about to do the same to Roman, so he sank out. And there he sat at the stairs of the mindscape. Brennan still sitting at the top.

“I’m just gonna need to know one thing from you” Virgil said, his voice as calm as possible at the moment. “Did you cause Thomas to crash into a tree?”

“I... I... I don’t know...”


	14. Protected

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The plot thickens

“What do you mean you don’t know?!”

“I mean that… I’m not a… aware that I did… but maybe… I… I could have…” Brennan managed to get out. “I haven’t really be… been too good for… for Thomas’ health…” 

“You’re not aware you did it?! I scanned Thomas’ memory after Princey did. You were sitting next to Thomas in the car talking to him! How can you not be aware of doing that?” Virgil’s mood really was getting the better of him. How could he help Brennan if Brennan made up a stupid excuse that he didn’t even know he got Thomas to crash his car! 

By now Brennan was crying. “Did... did I do... do that?” His sniffling was interrupted by a giggle. Which got an angry eyebrow raise from Virgil. “I said do do” Brennan snickered, before going back to crying. 

Wow Brennan really was an emotional mess, Virgil though, looking at the side that could be so cold and mean, but also very shy and self conscious, and could also be a crying mess that laughed at his own jokes... while he was still crying. Virgil’s thoughts were interrupted by Brennan speaking up again.

“I... I took so... some sleeping pills... I got from... you know who... so... so I don’t remember what... what I did that... that day.” 

“You got sleeping pills from Voldemort?” Virgil’s comment made Brennan gasp and almost choke in his sobs.

“Don’t say his name!” He said in a dead serious tone. “But... no... I got it fr... from...” 

“You got them from Patton?” Virgil tried, knowing Patton was the only other side that had tried to help Brennan. 

“Ye... yeah.” Brennan said while looking to the ground. He quickly looked up again, though. He looked straight into Virgil’s eyes when he asked “You... believe me right? That... that I... if I did it... I... wasn’t in control of what I was saying.” Virgil looked back into Brennan’s ever squinting eyes. They held so much hope, but Virgil wasn’t sure if he could just believe Brennan like that. 

Sure he had stood up for him. Tried to get him a second chance... but then again, Brennan had almost killed Thomas... and maybe it was even better for Brennan’s himself if he went to the edge to actually end it... instead of just trying over and over again...

“Wait. Brennan, how many pills did you take?” 

Brennan couldn’t answer as the other sides started to appear in the commons again and He decided to bolt back to his room. Only when Brennan turned away, was their eye contact broken.

Virgil was about to go to his own room too, as he didn’t want to actually punch Roman in his face... okay yes he wanted to, but he knew he shouldn’t. And maybe he was afraid that Roman was a better fighter than him, as he often chose flight instead of fight. Even back with the dark sides, if he didn’t have his shadows, he would flight. He would even use his shadows to flight, so basically he didn’t fight at all, back then. He would just run to his room as soon as the other dark sides got to close... Virgil sighed as he stood up, once again seeing the parallels between himself and back then, and Brennan right now. 

Virgil started to walk up the stairs when Patton stopped him. 

“Virgil, wait up kiddo!” 

“What is it Patton? I’m not really in a good mood right now.” 

“I can see that.” Patton answered tapping his glasses. Virgil started walking away again. Not really in the mood for Patton’s jokes. “Which is why I don’t think it’s a good idea for you to be alone in your room right now.” 

Logan and Roman were quiet... to quiet... did they have a plan that somehow required Virgil to be in Patton’s room? Something in the back of Virgil’s mind was warning him for that possibility. But Virgil also knew that Patton’s room could often calm him down and if he wanted to help Brennan. And Patton was right in assuming Virgil’s room would only work him up more. So Virgil agreed and let Patton lead him to his room. 

In Patton’s room, Patton immediately slipped into caring dad mode, giving Virgil lots of comfort foods and drinks. And as soon as Virgil was calmed down enough for physical contact, Patton could barely stop hugging him. The entire situation reminded Virgil of earlier sleep overs he had had with Patton. It caused Virgil to relax and actually get tired. 

They were laying on Patton’s bed, watching Spongebob Squarepants, Patton still hugging Virgil close. For someone on the outside it would seem the two were a couple. Patton knowing exactly how to calm Virgil down and acting accordingly. 

Virgil had almost forgotten about his worries for Brennan, when Patton offered him a cup of coffee. 

“Really, you think coffee would calm me down?”

“It’s decaf” 

“Ugh, no thanks”

“Please Virgil! I even asked Remy what you would like!” Patton tried to look Virgil in the eyes, but Virgil looked away. 

Remy wasn’t a side. He just something walked out of the imagination to get something he needed from either the dark or the light sides. He knew everyones favorite coffee and where to get it, or how to make it, but he had to really like you to actually make the coffee for you. 

“And he said decaf?” Virgil huffed.

“No... but I made a decaf version, so you could actually sleep tonight!”

Virgil sighed and grabbed the coffee, while Patton grabbed his drink, which Virgil guessed was a hot chocolate. 

“Thanks Pat.” Virgil said before sipping on his drink, that tasted very familiar, yet slightly off. He guessed that had to do with the drink being decaf, though. 

“You’re welcome, V.” Patton said hugging Virgil a little tighter. “Are you still feeling anxious?” 

“A little.” Virgil answered with a yawn, as Patton took his now empty cup and placed it on the nightstand. 

“Don’t worry V. I’ll protect you from all things that make you anxious.”

Lies. 

Virgil was shocked by his own reaction, it must have been something left over from his time with deceit. Maybe he just didn’t trust people that quickly anymore. 

Virgil didn’t have much longer to think about it as his eyelids were staring to become too heavy. His consciousness slowly slipping away as he fell into a deep sleep. Feeling Patton’s body warmth against him.


	15. Cold blooded killer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ooff this chapter physically hurt to write... 
> 
> I’m so sorry for this!

The next morning Brennan snook out of his room early to get some breakfast, before the other sides would be up, but that didn’t seem possible as Patton’s door opened, when he was standing in the middle of the hallway. 

“Hey Brennan, what are you doing up at this unholy hour.” Virgil only got a confused look as response as 7 AM might be early, but not that early. “Uhm can we talk?” Virgil walked out of Patton’s room and towards Brennan, the door automatically locking behind him. 

“Su... Sure” 

“Maybe we should talk somewhere else... I don’t really want the others eavesdropping on our conversation right now... It’s strange but somehow I don’t really trust them at the moment, you know?” 

Brennan nodded carefully. Virgil didn’t even know how right he was not to trust the other sides. They wanted him dead... he wanted himself dead too, but Virgil? Virgil believed in him! Virgil thought he could be better... maybe... maybe he once WAS better, but right now? He wasn’t doing Thomas anything good right now... He hoped Virgil could change his mind. He really did! Maybe he could even confide in Virgil about the bad choice he had made! 

“Let’s talk in my room.” Virgil said with a smile, that almost looked like a smirk. 

Virgil didn’t smile often, so he wasn’t really good at it... he should probably smile more! Brennan thought as he nodded again and both men walked towards the darkest door in the hallway. Brennan didn’t really want to go into Virgil’s room, but what choice did he have? If what Virgil had to say really was that important, then they couldn’t risk another side hearing it!

The door opened towards the usually dark room. Virgil however immediately turned on his light and Brennan looked in awe as the shadows retreated and made place for the light. He knew the light wouldn’t help, though... he would probably still bump into a lot of things, now he just didn’t have an excuse for it anymore. He squinted and tried to focus on getting to Virgil’s bed without tripping over something... why did he have to be so blind?!

“Sorry for the mess... I probably should have cleaned up first.” Virgil said awkwardly “this is just really important!” 

“Well... what is it?” Brennan said as he slowly made his way to sit next to Virgil on his bed. Virgil only started to speak up again when Brennan had finally sat down. 

“I was thinking about the conversation last night... How much have you heard?” 

“Enough...”

“So... you understand when they mentioned the edge... I was very hesitant. Heck I know you have tried so many times to end your life! And it was just so difficult to think you would do it permanently.” Virgil sighed. “Maybe it was selfish to scream at them for that... It’s just... When I was at the edge... I was convinced that I only held Thomas down... that he would never get anywhere if I was still there... but I was proven wrong, when I went there and the others tried to find me... they made me feel like I belonged. Maybe... Maybe it could be the same for you!”

“Wha... what do you mean?”

“Maybe you just have to be at the wastelands near the edge for a while, so the others will start to miss your influence!”

“You... really think that... that’s a good idea?” 

“Nope... I doubt my own ideas constantly” Virgil chuckled. “But it’s better than them throwing you over the edge, without even giving you a chance...”

“They wouldn’t do that!” Brennan said in a rush of confidence. Virgil’s words touching something in him, that had wanted to break free from the moment he had opened his new door. 

“Maybe not... but you have kinda forced their hand...” Virgil shrugged. He reached out his hand towards Brennan. “Let me at least take you to the wastelands so you can see it for yourself. I’ll even show you the way out, so that if the other sides lock you in there, you can always get out... only if you want to of course.” 

Brennan nodded again. Virgil was talking a lot today, while he was really quiet. It was weird. Especially since he couldn’t feel Virgil being anxious, which he usually was when he rambled. In fact Virgil’s influence on Thomas was so small at the moment, you would almost think he was asleep. 

Brennan grabbed Virgil’s hand and a chill ran over his back. Was Virgil always this cold? He thought to himself before Virgil dragged him through the quarters of the dark sides, towards a grey area of nothingness. 

The memory mists hit Brennan in the face like bricks. All good memories waiting to be forgotten. He almost wanted to touch them, to let Thomas remember them again, but that would make him sentimental and... who was he kidding? He already was very sentimental. 

A few bad memories were scattered around in the aimlessly twirling mists, but they were mostly good once... 

“Funny huh? How bad memories seem to be remembered for a longer period of time. I totally blamed myself for that the last time I was here... being the side that keeps getting anxious over things that happened in the past.” Virgil touched one of the good memories, which slightly changed it. “And sometimes we remember things differently from how they really happened.” The grey mist surrounding the good memory turning darker as it turned into a bad one by just a little alteration. 

Brennan quickly thought if that was what had happened to him. All good memories turning sour and being forgotten, while the bad memories and feelings stayed. It happened every time before decided to end himself, only to wake up regenerated a few hours later. He had tried it so many times by now. He had cut his wrists multiple times, had overdosed on sleeping pills only a few days ago... and of course he had hung himself multiple times too. The first time still stuck in his mind clearly, while the others had turned into a blur. The chair falling from underneath him. Him being there in the room with him just watching, yellow eye burning through him, the knocking he could hear, but no longer could focus on enough to ever figure out what it had meant. He was scarred, mentally and physically. Virgil had been right to say that his bruises and cuts never seemed to fade...

By now they had reached the edge and Brennan wanted to do nothing but jump in there and forget his pain. He had made too many mistakes to fix. He had caused Thomas to feel hurt to many times! He should just jump and-

Virgil’s hand on his shoulder stopped him. 

“Oh my god. I should have never taken you here. I’m so sorry!” Virgil’s grip on his shoulder tightened. “All those good memories must only make you feel worse about yourself! They probably remind you of how many future good memories you will take away from Thomas by just existing!” 

Virgil’s words really weren’t helping. Brennan knew that the second Virgil would let go of his shoulder he would jump. Virgil could handle full emotional control over Thomas, right? He would understand better than everyone... Logan could handle morals and Roman could get him happy by being excited about things. 

He could only hope they would figure out he was missing. So they could do what he couldn’t. 

And then... Virgil let go of him. Almost nudging him in the right direction, towards the edge of knowing and forgetting. Towards no longer having to pretend to be someone else, so the others wouldn’t see him hurting. Towards no longer having to squint all the time, to see where things were. Towards no longer existing.


	16. Accepting Depression, and moving on. Part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Virgil wakes up in Patton’s room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was actually the scene that started this fic for me...
> 
> So I hope you like it!

The lights above Virgil’s head seemed to flash violently as he started to wake up. He opened his eyes, but the lights in Patton’s room weren’t even on. The only light coming from behind the curtains that cover Patton’s window. It was confusing as his sleep fogged mind couldn’t really understand what was happening at all. The windows weren’t open, so the curtains weren’t moving... and if the curtains weren’t moving, then why did the lights over his eyes flash? 

Even in his sleepy state Virgil realized he was in Patton’s room. He had no idea what time it was, but Patton was no longer laying beside him. Where had he gone? What had happened last night? 

Yesterday the other sides thought it was better that he wouldn’t sleep in his own room as he had been very anxious, so he had a sleepover with at Patton’s room... Patton had calmed him down, but it was different than usual. More sweet talk less reassuring words... well at least it worked. Virgil had actually managed to fall asleep and sleep until... Virgil looked at the clock on the wall, 11 AM... around what time had he fallen asleep? It really wasn’t too late... maybe around 8? He had slept for 15 hours. Neat he never got that much sleep! 

Wait! He had slept for 15 hours?! Without any nightmares or without waking up in the middle of the night and not being able to sleep for another few hours? Even Patton’s room had never had that much effect on him! 

Virgil couldn’t normally sleep for 15 hours as he was instincts and nerves and reflexes! He had to stay alert at all times to keep Thomas from doing stupid things! 

That’s when he realized the numbness had returned. Had it been like that when he woke up? Why was his mind so slow today? His mind was always racing, most of the time worrying too. But right now? Right now his mind was slow and foggy and it was pleasant, but very unlike him.

Virgil turned his head to see the mugs still left on Patton’s nightstand. One decaf coffee that had made Virgil really sleepy and... that didn’t look like hot chocolate? What was that? Virgil reached out his arm, still a little heavy as if he had been sedated and the stuff still hadn’t completely left his body. He grabbed Patton’s mug and sniffed at it, but couldn’t smell anything as the liquid had dried up over night. 

Normally he wouldn’t do this, but he felt so out of it today that he didn’t even care about germs or other peoples privacy. He licked the inside of Patton’s mug and was met with the taste of black coffee and Alcohol. Virgil shuddered at the familiar taste. He only knew one side who ordered his coffee like that from Remy. 

Suddenly a rush of anxiety caused the effect of the sedative to quickly disappear from Virgil’s mind and body. He placed the mug back on the nightstand and grabbed the one he had drank from last night. He remembered it tasting a little off, so he really didn’t want to lick it now, not knowing what was in there. He placed his mug back and opened the nightstand’s drawer. 

Bingo

In the drawer lay some sleeping pills. Virgil quickly scanned the box and figured he was probably given two pills through his drink somehow. They were small enough not to notice, but it had still been a risky move...

Then Virgil remembered Brennan telling him that Patton had given him sleeping pills. The box of the pills stating that a doctor should be called immediately by ingestion of 4 or more pills. had he wanted for Brennan to overdose? 

Brennan didn’t remember saying those things to Thomas. So what if he had never actually said them. What if it was someone else. What if it was Deceit! 

There were two problems with Virgil’s theory. Problem 1: Why would Deceit want to get rid of a dark side living between light sides, by making the other sides see him as a danger for Thomas’s health? Brennan could have been a perfect little spy for him, as Virgil himself had once been. And problem 2: If Deceit had disguised himself as Patton again and even used Patton’s room... then WHERE WAS PATTON?!

Virgil’s hands were shaking when he put the box of pills back into the drawer and closed it again. He aimlessly looked around the room and saw the door lock had disappeared. It was only an illusion and Virgil knew that... but it still meant he couldn’t open the door from the inside... 

The normally warm and comforting room felt colder by the second, as the numbness continued to spread. Something was terribly wrong, Virgil just couldn’t figure it all out! He wished Logan was there to piece together the final pieces of the puzzle, but he would have to do this on his own. 

Or maybe not?

Virgil suddenly remembered the flashing lights that had woken him up. What if the light wasn’t flashing, but something dark moved over Virgil’s eyes, which would make the exposure, of Virgil’s eyes, to the light, irregular. As if a shadow was constantly passing over his eyes! 

Maybe Deceits presence in Patton’s room has had a bad influence on the room, pulling it closer to the dark sides! That would mean Virgil might be able to get out using them! 

Virgil stretched out his hand, wanting to control the shadows, but they were already moving, as they had noticed Virgil focussing his attention on them, and they were determined to show Virgil the truth as they took the shape of a chair in the middle of the room. 

Virgil stood up from the bed to curiously circle the image the shadows showed, searching for permission from Virgil to show him the whole truth. He nodded his fingers sliding over the back of the shadow chair. 

Slowly a shadow man appeared standing on the chair, quickly followed by another man standing near the window looking at the first. A yellow flower of the curtain behind him was left open on the spot where the shadow man’s left eye would be. Deceit... 

The last shadow thing that formed was the noose around the first shadow man’s neck. A bad feeling settled in Virgil’s stomach as his spine was tingling. The shadow man kicked the chair he was standing on over as shadow Deceit walked closer to him and put a hand over the struggling man’s mouth. 

Another shadow reached out to the door and knocked on it, as the shadow man was slowly losing consciousness. Something small falling off of his face as shadow Deceit removed his hand from the body that was now hanging limply from the ceiling. 

Another knock on the door. And the scene Virgil was seeing suddenly felt eerily familiar. The shadow chair and limp body moving towards a high shelf as it looked like shadow Deceit made up another lie. 

Virgil gaze turned to the ground, no longer able to watch the scene in front of him, only to find the fallen shadow object laying there. 

It was a pair of glasses.


	17. Accepting Depression, and moving on. Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some light on Deceit’s schemes. Or should I say some shadows.

The vision continued as shadow deceit kicked the glasses underneath the bed, the shape of his ‘clothing’ slowly changing into Patton’s polo shirt and grey cat hoodie. 

Virgil ducked and reached his arm under the bed to find the actual glasses Patton always wore, slowly collecting dust. He held up the frames against the light that escaped from behind the curtains. The lenses didn’t seem damaged and Virgil quickly wondered how bad Patton’s eyesight actually was as he held them closer to his face. He carefully put the glasses in one of the deep pockets of his hoodie, before standing up again. 

The scene before him changed to ‘Patton’ and himself in bed. Virgil was knocked out and shadow Deceit quickly took his own form again. 

Virgil shuddered at the thought of having laid next to deceit in bed again. The way Patton had said he would protect Virgil from all things that made him anxious crossed through his mind again. Deceit always said he would ‘protect’ Virgil. Virgil’s first instincts last night had been to not believe Patton. Virgil controlled those kind of instincts. Why did he never listened to himself! 

Oh yeah... that was right...

If he did listen to himself he would have probably ended up as the shadow Patton that had hung himself...

Virgil’s mind caught up again as shadow Deceit left the bed and morphed to look like Virgil before leaving the room. 

All of this had happened in Patton’s room. The hanging had happened that day that Virgil was knocking on the door waiting for an answer, but the only answer he had got was an excuse. Just like the time Patton only mentioned his allergies when Virgil had pointed them out! Whenever Patton did something out of character he had always had an excuse... a lie ready to be told at any second. Deceit had probably lied to Patton so many times that he had become desperate and hung himself...

Patton had hung himself... PATTON HAD HUNG HIMSELF!! 

Holy Fucking Shit! That hadn’t hit Virgil until just then. He knew Brennan was suicidal, But Patton? Damn how could he have missed that?! 

Bad friend, Virgil! Bad friend! 

Wait... Patton was suicidal and disappeared after hanging himself... Brennan is also suicidal, but he returns after every attempt.

The numbness seemed to occur whenever Brennan wasn’t there... were those the times he had killed himself and therefore couldn’t control Thomas’s emotions?

The numbness was starting to weigh Virgil down as his mind was starting to comprehend the current situation. 

Brennan appeared from a new room first seen by ‘Patton’. Deceit can create rooms out of nowhere. Those rooms usually have no windows. Brennan’s room was created by Deceit. 

Brennan always squinted or bumped into things, Patton would probably too without his glasses.

Patton hadn’t quacked when any of them said the words ‘duck out’ lately. Actually Patton had made barely any puns at all!

Brennan always stuttered, but he didn’t when he was talking to Thomas. Brennan didn’t even remember talking to him in the first place as he had overdosed! 

Brennan had reacted a little weird to Virgil thanking Patton for helping him calm down, while Patton reacted like he didn’t know what Virgil was talking about until Virgil explained it to him.

Patton knew more about the edge than Virgil had told him.

Virgil looked back at the shadow noose that was still in place.

Brennan had hung himself a few days before Virgil figured out about it. A few days ago could be the day Patton had hung himself. 

Patton was Brennan.

Brennan trusted Virgil. Deceit had left the room disguised as Virgil. Deceit wanted to get Brennan near the edge. 

People lie faster if they don’t have morals. Deceit wanted Patton to be gone so it was easier to manipulate Thomas. He was using Patton’s and Virgil’s likeness to get Brennan to jump of the edge and be forgotten.

Patton was probably at the edge with Deceit right now and Virgil was waisting time being locked in a room!

Logan and Roman should be up right now, but by how strong the shadows were, Virgil could guess that the room had been pulled towards the dark sides too much. Screaming and punching the door probably wouldn’t get their attention as he was too far away. He could only hope for-

Someone was humming in whatever hallway of the mind was attached to the room right now. Dark sided didn’t hum, but Virgil knew someone who did, just to spite them. 

So he started to slam his fist against the door. 

“Remy! Rem!”

“Virgil gurl, is that you?”

“Remy can you open the door?!” Remy did and he looked at the distressed side standing in front of him. 

“Thank you so much! ...Oh and I’m so sorry for this, but I’ll explain later!” Virgil said as he pushed Remy into the room and held him there using the shadows. Virgil shut the door and Remy was now locked in the room. “Just pretend like you’re me!” 

“Bishh why would I?! You locked me up!” Virgil sighed. He really had to get going... 

“I’ll get you that coffee blend Logan’s been hiding from you.”

“Deal.”

And so started Virgil’s second journey through the wastelands, towards the edge. Only this time it wasn’t to end a life, but to hopefully safe one.


	18. Lies and morals

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Will Virgil arrive at the edge in time to stop Patton from completely disappearing?

He decided to pass through his own room as he knew how to get to the edge from there and he wanted to get a piece of fabric to clean the dusty glasses in his pocket. 

He hadn’t used this entrance in forever, he thought as he stood in front of the black door. 

He had gotten out of Patton’s room nearer to the hallway that connected the dark sides’ rooms so that was the entrance to his room he was going to use. The door was filled with insults painted on and scratched into the wood, but Virgil didn’t pay any attention to it as he opened the shadow lock that kept the dark sides from entering his room. 

The door opened into his closet. Virgil had personally redecorated his room that way so it hid the entrance for the other sides whenever they were in his room. Not that they didn’t know he used to be a dark side, but more to hide the fact that he still had an easy passage way towards their quarters. 

He quickly grabbed a piece of fabric, left over from when he had made his hoodie, and entered the wastelands. 

Virgil always thought it had been strange that his room was the closest to the edge, as anxious memories were not as easily forgotten as happy, or neutral ones. He used to think it was, because he didn’t belong so if he would finally stop trying he could just end it. But lately that had changed. However the edge had remained at the same location. 

Virgil now thought that maybe he was close to the grey wastelands, because he himself was living in a grey area, always hovering between the dark and the light.

After walking in the wastelands for a while, Virgil could see signs of someone changing up the memories, altering them so Thomas would get nervous about it, if he would think about them again. The mist around those memories had turned a darker grey and some had even turned black.

Virgil was tempted to send one of those memories back to Thomas, as Patton and him were both in the wastelands which means Thomas would feel even more numb than usual. On the other hand he also didn’t really want to make Thomas anxious right now, but he couldn’t control the good memories... would Thomas realize the memories were actually good ones, just twisted by his own mind? 

Virgil didn’t get any more time to think about it, as he saw ‘himself?’ walk back towards his room. The figure morphed into Patton and Virgil knew it was Deceit. Deceit hadn’t seen him, which gave Virgil the time to send the darkest memory mist he could find, back into the front of Thomas’s mind, so he had to think about it no matter what. 

Let’s see how that snake will hold up in my room during a panic attack. Virgil thought to himself before running, yes Virgil actually ran, towards the edge, hoping he wasn’t too late. 

Something felt slightly off as deceit walked back into Virgil’s room, but Deceit didn’t pay it any attention. Poor little Virgil, always so naive. Did he really think his little shadow lock would keep the dark sides from getting to the light ones? Ha. He almost laughed out loud at the thought. Of course there were other ways to get to the other quarters of the mind. Even someone as stupid as Virgil must know that right?

Deceit knew Virgil had only locked the black door inside his closet on the outside, so he could still open it from the inside to get back to hallway Patton’s old room was connected to. 

Patton was almost easier than Virgil. He was definitely going to jump, if he hadn’t already. The other sides wouldn’t miss him either. Nobody will show up in his room to say he is ‘important’. This time the others will know he is even doing them a favor by disappearing! That’s one of the reasons it was so easy to convince him to jump. He just wants everyone to be happy, even if that means he himself isn’t. It was the same with Virgil a while back, but this time nothing will stand in Deceit’s way!

Except for maybe the door, that he thought would easily open up, wouldn’t budge. 

“That’s not odd at all...” Deceit said out loud to himself. Still not able to speak the truth, even when nobody else could hear him.

shadows were growing and the atmosphere in the room got so thick it was getting hard to breathe. Deceit didn’t know what was going on, until the whole room seemed to be shaking. There was a lot of energy being pumped into the anxious part of Thomas’ brain, and no Virgil to control it. 

Deceit ran out of the room, before it could collapse. It wouldn’t but he doesn’t know that. He could hear Logan and Roman arguing in the kitchen and knew Virgil was still locked in his new room, also known as Patton’s old room. 

Now he only had to apologize to Virgil for locking him up, as Deceit guessed that’s were the panic attack came from, and everything would work out perfectly for him! 

By now Virgil had reached the edge, where Brennan... or Patton... was just about to jump. 

“Stop! don’t!” Virgil yelled, clearly shocking the side standing on the edge. 

“I... I thought you went away...” Brennan said looking into the abyss. “You let me make my... it’s my choice...” 

Virgil was now close enough to physically stop Brennan from jumping, but he didn’t reach out his hands just yet.

“Whatever decision I let you make... it definitely wasn’t your choice!” Virgil spoke with so much confidence in his voice you would almost think it was Roman speaking. 

Brennan was crying now. 

“Just let me jump, Virgil... I’ll only hurt you guys.”

“It’s okay to get hurt sometimes... that’s a part of life!” Wow did Virgil really just say that? “You’ll hurt us more if you would no longer exist”

“How can you know that?” Brennan spat back at Virgil. He was very upset with Virgil’s total 360 in attitude, as he didn’t know what to believe anymore.

“Because every time you uhm... ended yourself. Thomas wasn’t feeling anything... well except for anxiety but nothing else! And for the longest time I didn’t know what was going on and-“ 

“Just stop... you want me to believe you after the things you just said?! I mean... I want to... I really do, but...” Brennan was shaking. His own moral thinking rushing through his mind. Virgil wouldn’t lie to him, right?

“That person just talking to you, Pat? That wasn’t me, okay? I’m here now... but the longer we are gone... the easier it is for him to influence Thomas’ decision making. And we wouldn’t want Deceit in charge of that wouldn’t we?” Patton looked up into Virgil’s eyes and saw nothing but sincerity. He took a step back from the edge and let himself collapse in Virgil’s arms. 

Virgil knew. He knew! And maybe... just maybe... Virgil could help him.


	19. Confessions and promises

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Patton and Virgil finally talk about emotions and feelings

The two sides walked their way back to Virgil’s room. Virgil staying extra vigilant while they were passing the dark sides’s quarters, keeping close to Patton and holding his arm to be able to quickly pull him away from danger. He could feel Patton cringe after reading the insults on his own door and tightened his grip on Patton’s arm for a moment, causing Him to look up into Virgil’s eyes. 

Eye contact was made and kept, while Virgil opened the shadow lock. It was so much easier to keep eye contact with the real Patton, Virgil thought as he remembered wanting to keep eye contact with ‘Patton’ when he thanked him at breakfast that morning. It had taken all Virgil’s strength and willpower to keep looking in his eyes, but now... this was easy and natural and... 

A door opened and Virgil quickly pulled Patton inside his closet... wow that sounds weird...he opened the closet door to reveal his room. Patton was shocked to see that the not so kindly decorated black door opened up into Virgil’s room as he didn’t think the room would still be connected after all that time... 

For the first time since Virgil stopped him form jumping, Patton started to doubt if it was indeed Virgil dragging him through hallways that seemed all to familiar to him. He did want to believe it was. He wanted Virgil to know and to be able to help him. But it could also still be Deceit playing games with him... he had to test it somehow... but how?

By now the door towards the dark sides was safely locked again and Patton was handed something. At first he didn’t realize what it was, as it was handed to him by shaking hands and he still wasn’t wearing his glasses. His glasses would be very useful right now, since Virgil’s room seemed even darker than it usually was. Oh wait. Virgil gave him back his glasses! The frame was carefully wrapped in a piece of fabric that seemed to be the same material Virgil had used for the patches on his hoodie. 

He cleaned the glasses with the fabric and put them on, seeing things clearly for the first time in weeks. It made him excited and a little bit of his bubbly energy flickered through his body and therefore also in Thomas’s mind. That’s when he noticed the absolute panic radiating from Virgil’s room. Which was odd as he hadn’t felt the effects of Virgil’s room on him and... Oh.

His, now clear, gaze fell on Virgil, who seemed to be shaking heavier by the second. The puzzle pieces started to click when he explored Thomas’s emotional state more. Thomas was having a panic attack and Virgil was in his room where the panic was forming and therefore being the strongest. Thereby it seemed like Virgil was taking the hit of all the negative energy and emotions to spare Patton. 

Well Patton was sure of one thing now. Deceit couldn’t fake this. The side in front of him was Virgil. Virgil had helped him and was now trying to protect him again, like Virgil always did. Virgil always protected them, even if the others didn’t see it! But now... now it was Patton’s time to help and protect his strange dark son. 

Patton slowly walked towards Virgil, who backed away holding his hands in front of himself in a defensive way. 

“Pat, don’t.” Virgil struggled to get the words out, his voice echoing heavily. Yes Patton had touched him during a panic attack before. But the amount of darkness and emotions Virgil felt right now were greater than they had ever been before, as he had never tried to hold on to all the energy swirling inside his room inside of his own body. 

But Patton didn’t listen. He saw an anxious boi who needed a hug, so he would supply that hug! 

Arms covered by a plain grey hoodie, found his way around Virgil’s shaking body. Patton hold Virgil close to his chest, trying his best to calm him down. 

Meanwhile Thomas was starting to see the happy things that had come from the bad memory that suddenly reappeared in his mind. It was weird, he hadn’t thought of that event in a while. The memory was about a play he was in when he was younger. Everything had been great, but now he had been thinking back on it and had remembered all the things that had gone wrong and that one cringey line he had to say, oh and that dance he messed up. It went on for a while, before he could think of the good things that had happened while he was participating in that play and the friends he had made during the production. That managed to calm him down considerably. Thomas even felt actual happiness for what seemed to be the first time in weeks! 

Patton was still hugging Virgil long after the side dressed in black and purple had stopped shaking. The room was no longer radiating pure anxiety, so Virgil didn’t have to take it all in anymore. 

“Thanks” he muttered, his voice rough and broken, from the strain he had put on his vocal chords, by trying desperately to keep the screams and negative words inside of him. Some had managed to slip out, but Patton kept shushing him, like he always did. Both Patton and Virgil had felt safe and wanted, while holding on to each other as if the other could disappear any second, which could have been the case if Virgil hadn’t found Patton in time. 

“Anytime” Patton answered with a content sigh. Just happy that he was able to be himself, and finally feeling useful again. He had helped both Virgil and Thomas calm down, by just being himself and using his abilities, that for a while he thought would only cause the others to feel pain. 

“No, not anytime.” Virgil pushed himself out of Patton’s embrace and looked to the ground, unsure if he should say what he wanted to say, but deciding to do it after looking up into Patton’s soft brown eyes again. “You may not want to admit it but... I know you have times like these, when it feels like you’re own room is attacking you and all the emotions become too much. It’s impossible to prevent for us ‘emotional sides’. You said you were going to be more open about it, but you weren’t and that’s how Deceit could get to you! You weren’t honest towards yourself so it was easier for him to deceive you!” Virgil had to pause to take a breath, tears brimming in his eyes. “You shouldn’t be ready to help someone anytime if you don’t do the same for yourself!” 

“Virgil...” 

“Please Pat, promise me you’ll take care of yourself and NEVER EVER try to off yourself again! Please! I... I was so fucking scared I was gonna lose you, Pat! And I don’t want to. I don’t want to lose you because... Because I loveyousofuckingmuch!” Virgil’s cheeks burned red under whatever was left of yesterday’s foundation. 

Patton started crying happy tears and Virgil was starting to backpedal, afraid of what he himself had just said, but Patton shut him up by embracing him again. And there they stayed for a while. In the middle of the room, just outside of the closet they had gotten out of. (;-P) 

“I promise” Patton whispered as he kissed Virgil on his forehead. “And I love you too.”


	20. Playing games like a dark side

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> little bit of fluff and planning, before going back to angst!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for not uploading in a while. School and anxiety got the better of me... I’m not perfectly good yet, but I’m getting there!

Patton and Virgil stayed like that for a while. Hugging each other and crying the last tears about the things that had transpired in the last view weeks. A calmed had fallen over them Patton no longer scared of the spiders in Virgil’s room and Virgil not thinking about Deceit for a moment, but all good things had to come to an end. 

“What do we do now...” Patton looked at the ground. He really didn’t want to ask it, but he had to. They needed a plan on how to deal with Deceit. 

“Now we pretend you’re dead, and Deceit got his way. We scare the others into realizing they’ve made a mistake. Deceit will get overconfident and slip up and we slide in to save the day.” Patton looked up in shock, not expecting such an immediate response. 

“He still plays his games like a dark side.” Virgil shrugged in response to Patton’s wide eyed stare. “He forgets that I can play that game too.” 

“But you shouldn’t! You aren’t anything like them! You’re one of us!” 

“And that ‘us’ is sort of divided at the moment, Pat... He divided us using strategies any dark side knows to look out for... And I almost didn’t realize it in time.”

“But you did! You saved me! You’re my hero!” Patton enthusiastically chanted, after seeing that Virgil was feeling bad about himself again.

“Thanks, Pat.” Virgil sighed, still not completely convinced.

“Nobody expected Deceit to show up in our part of the mindscape. I know I sure didn’t” Patton reassured Virgil. And you shouldn’t have either.”

“But I-” 

“If I can’t always take care of you guys, then you can’t protect us from everything.” Patton was right. Virgil had to follow up on his own advise and realize that, yes he wanted to protect them from everything, but he couldn’t always do that. “Virgil?”

“I guess you have a point.” Virgil sighed, his shoulders he had unintentionally tensed up, dropped again. “So how about that plan?”

“You think it will work?” Patton didn’t know what kind of answer to suspect. He didn’t even want to know really... pretending he was dead and therefore probably hurting Thomas, wasn’t really a very moral thing to do after all.

“We can only try, right?” A wry smile found its way to Virgil’s lips. 

“Okay... then where do I go? I’m pretty sure staying in your room without you being present isn’t a good idea.” Virgil thought about Patton’s question for a while. 

“We could redecorate ‘Brennan’s’ room. Give it windows and all that.” 

“Won’t they remove the door if they think Brennan’s dead?” 

“Leave that up to me.” 

“Okay... I’ll leaf it ‘up’ to you” Patton said while holding a leaf and a dvd of the film ‘Up’. Man Virgil had missed the visual puns, the man in front of him could make appear out of nowhere. 

Virgil managed to sneak Patton into Brennan’s room and give him some tips on manipulating a manipulated space, like the rooms Deceit could make are. It didn’t really work out that well, so Virgil ended up doing all the work and staying in Brennan’s room a little longer than he had originally planned. 

Meanwhile in Patton’s room, Remy couldn’t believe what he was willing to do just for some coffee. He knew the coffee Virgil could get him was really good, and the amount of caffeine in it could keep him, and thus Thomas, awake all night, but right now he was starting to doubt whether or not it was worth it. Patton had knocked on the door asking if he was okay multiple times now and he wasn’t sure how many more ‘Virgil excuses’ he could come up with. Why had Virgil slept in Patton’s room anyway? And what was so important that he couldn’t leave the room? 

Remy’s eyes shifted over the door until he saw there was no door handle on the inside... well that explained why Virgil asked him to open the door for him... How did Patton usually leave his room if he couldn’t get the door open, or had he removed it on purpose to lock Virgil in? Nah, it’s Patton! He would never do that!

A knock on the door angered Remy. He really couldn’t do this much longer. 

“Fuck off Patton!” 

“Please tell me you haven’t actually said that to him.” A voice lower than Patton’s spoke from the other side, before the door opened to reveal Virgil standing in the hallway.

“I would have if he knocked another time!” Remy snarked back. “You better have a good reason for making me do this, Virge. Also you owe me big time, gurl.”

“Yeah, I’ll explain later... what kind of excuses have you used?” Virgil said while looking at the hallway uneasily. 

Remy lifted his eyebrow. Which caused Virgil to sigh and hand over the coffee blend he had promised Remy. 

“You were tired at first and then you were sick. It was not so pleasant doing business with ya, Darling!” Remy answered Virgil as he walked out of the room. Now Virgil just had to wait for ‘Patton’ to come back and let him out, he thought as he heard the door closing behind him. 

And that didn’t take long. Virgil almost giggled at the thought of Deceit having to pretend to actually care for him, so Roman and Logan wouldn’t get suspicious. 

“Virgil? Are you feeling okay again? Can I come in?” A soft voice could be heard from behind the door, shocking Virgil with how much he sounded like the actual Patton. 

“Yeah...” Virgil strained his voice to sound ill. Deceit opened up the door, looking at the mess that was Virgil. 

Virgil’s makeup was barely hanging on to his face and his hair stood in to many different directions to count. 

“Aww. My pour little anxious baby!” Deceit cooed. “Come here V. Can I hug you?” 

Virgil wanted to scream something along the lines of ‘Oh HELL no!’ But choose to just nod, not trusting his voice to sound actually polite. The hairs on his arms stood straight up underneath his hoodie sleeves, by the snake touching him again, but Virgil managed to remain relatively calm. 

The rest of the day was pretty uneventful. Until Patton offered to bring Brennan some dinner, as he hadn’t left his room all day. 

Virgil spotted a sneaky smile on Deceit’s face, one you would only notice if you were looking for it. Deceit was totally expecting to not have anyone to bring dinner to. Virgil could only hope that Patton wouldn’t open the door without thinking about it twice, like he usually would. Virgil had instructed to only open the door if Virgil knocked in a certain way. Even if Virgil would tell him to open the door Patton shouldn’t do it as Deceit could mimic their voices, well they all could mimic each other’s voices and accents, but generally only Deceit would do that. 

When Deceit returned from Brennan’s room with the plate of food still in his hand, Virgil almost cheered out loud for Patton, as he knew how hard it must have been for Patton to do that, but he kept his face straight.

“Did the sadness hazard not want your food, Patton? That should be a crime!” Roman laughed while tickling Logan’s shoulder, and making his way to Logan’s neck to make the stoic, serious side laugh as well. 

“No, Roman. Stop it!” Logan said trying his best not to laugh. “This isn’t humorous.” 

“I’m worried about him. I think Brennan is having an episode again... you can feel the numbness too right, V? Oh my goodness is that why you were feeling sick today!” Deceit actually sounded like he cared for Virgil, but it was all fake. Fake, fake, fake!

“I guess...” Virgil shrugged while grabbing some stuff from the cupboards and putting it in the pockets of his hoodie. “Welp, I’m going to my room. Think I’ll check in on him later as well... maybe he’ll let me in.”

“Good idea, Virgil! Goodnight! Hope you feel better tomorrow!” 

“Me too, Pat. Me too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Really hate how this chapter ended... but I couldn’t think of anything better so...


	21. A bad kind of note

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The story is almost done! But it will probably taka a while since I have school and stuff. 
> 
> What happens when the other sides think Brennan has killed himself?

“Pat? Brennan isn’t in his room. Is he with you?” Virgil asked after exiting Brennan’s room. He had given the real Patton the food he had stuffed in his pockets after dinner. Patton had been disappointed that Virgil wasn’t able to get him ‘real’ food, but everything was forgiven when Virgil pulled out a pack of chocolates chip cookies. Virgil’s pockets were like a void and could carry huge amounts of stuff. He didn’t want Princey to know that, though as he was sure Roman would start calling him a Mary Poppins bag. 

Virgil was nervous. Was he really able to lie to the embodiment of deceit and dishonesty? He had one advantage, though. Deceit didn’t know that Virgil knew who he was. Deceit also believed what Virgil said to be the truth, so he wouldn’t suspect to be lied to. 

“No I haven’t seen him. Was his door open?” Deceit asked surprised. He hadn’t actually tried it earlier so he had just assumed that idiot would have locked his door so nobody could get in while he was out.

“Yeah... now you mention it... it’s weird, usually his door is closed whenever Thomas feels numb.” Virgil had gotten to good at lying for his own liking, and he was sure the real Patton would scold him for it under different circumstances. 

“That sure is odd, kiddo.” Deceit said, but in reality he thought something in the lines of: Yeah, because that idiot didn’t want you to see him kill himself, the sympathetic fuck. He had to hurry up his plans now, or the others would think Brennan had just disappeared and could come back any second. “I will search for him in the commons, maybe he is hiding in a cupboard or something.” Virgil nodded before retreating to his own room. The next move was up to Deceit. Let’s hope he falls back in his predictive patterns. 

“Oh my goodness, guys come quickly! This can’t be good...” 

“What is it, Patton?” Logan was the first to walk into the living room in the common part of the mindscape. 

“Yeah, What’s up padre? Is there a horrible beast that needs to be slain?” Roman followed Logan so quickly that it was highly likely that both came from the same room. 

Virgil was the last to enter the living room. He didn’t say anything finding it not necessary to ask the same question the others had already asked. 

“So I found this notebook and I think it’s Brennan... and I know it’s wrong to snoop around in other people’s personal belongings, but it had a post-it note on it asking to read it!” Deceit was holding a small yellow note with ‘read me’ on it. “like in ‘Alice in Wonderland’!” 

The other sides were nodding along with his story. Encouraging him to go on. Deceit was just like Roman sometimes. He loved having everyone’s attention and couldn’t help but add some dramatic tension in the mix.

“Anyway so I figured it was okay to read it, but then I read the first page and it was a note... like a bad kind of note...” Deceit shuddered “and I didn’t want to read any more of it, but the note seemed to be from a while ago... So I skipped to the end and...” 

Logan took the small notebook from, who he believed to be Patton. To read what he was talking about. 

“He went to the edge...” Logan finished Patton’s sentence and Deceit nodded in agreement. 

“He jumped Logan! We made him jump! The poor thing...” 

“Wasn’t that your plan though?” Virgil bit back, with a bit to much venom in his voice. “If you guys hadn’t mentioned the edge when discussing Brennan with Thomas, saying that it might be the best for him, than he would have never gotten the idea in the first place!” 

“I... I... I wanted what was best for Thomas! I didn’t want Brennan to kill himself! I never said that!” Virgil had to admit, Deceit was a damn good actor. 

“We have discussed having him live in the wastelands for a while, but never this. Virgil, we could have never expected something like this to happen.” Logan added to try and calm Virgil down, before Thomas would summon them, as they were probably causing him a major headache by now. Unfortunately his plans to calm Virgil down were interrupted by his boyfriend, who is just never able to keep his mouth shut. 

“Isn’t it a good thing that depression is gone? It means Thomas will be happy again! And can get back to achieving his goals!” 

“Roman...” Logan sighed, but he was quickly interrupted by Virgil screaming back at Roman. 

“This is fucking murder! We drove someone so far he killed himself!”

“Aren’t we forgetting here that he almost killed Thomas, and thus all of us, while driving!” Roman bit back. 

Before Virgil could respond they were pulled into the real world. All of them. From the corner of his eye Virgil could see the real Patton hiding at the top of the stairs, while Deceit stood in his usual place. Patton was still wearing Brennan’s clothes, but now also had his glasses on so he could actually see without having to squint all the time. Virgil wanted nothing more than to shoot him a reassuring smile, but he couldn’t. They were fucked if the others saw it. The other sides were never going to believe Brennan was the real Patton, if Deceit didn’t slip up first. 

“What’s going on?! You guys are giving me a major headache, and I’m feeling really anxious and numb at the same time right now!” 

“Wait if Brennan offed himself... shouldn’t Patton have full control over most of Thomas’s emotions again?” Roman asked confused. 

“Brennan killed himself?! How is that even possible?” 

“Thomas do you remember the ‘edge of knowing and forgetting’ we have discussed with you earlier? It seems that Brennan has decided to jump of that edge, to make you forgot his negative way of thinking.” Logan explained to a very confused Thomas. 

Virgil could feel the cringe radiating off Patton above him. He also noticed the smug smile Deceit didn’t bother hiding, as he thought nobody paid attention to him. This plan better work or else they were in a lot of trouble. 

“My question remains!” Roman said offended that nobody had answered him yet. “How can Thomas feel numb if Patton has full control back?” 

“That’s because I don’t...” Deceit looked to the ground. It looked sad, but Virgil knew it was just to hide the glint of mischief in his eyes. “The brain made Brennan, when Thomas was feeling sad and depressed, but... Thomas didn’t make him disappear by being happy again, he decided to disappear himself... which means that Thomas has to give me back the control over his emotions manually.” 

“That would make sense.” Logan nodded after hearing the explanation Deceit gave.

“Thomas, will you give me emotional control?” 

Thomas was about to say yes when a surge of panic flew through Thomas’s body, even though he did not know why. Everything seemed plausible, even Logan had said it was! The panic did make him hesitant of his decision, something was telling him this wasn’t a good idea. But it was Patton. Why would Patton lie to him?

“Thomas?” Deceit asked again. Followed by a very Not Virgil-like squeak coming from the stairs.


	22. Nightmare mode

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Every time I say things will take a while I just upload the next day. What’s wrong with me? Also I had way to much fun writing this chapter...
> 
> Thomas enters nightmare mode.

“Virgil are you quite alright?” Logan was the first to ask. Everyone was shocked as Virgil usually didn’t ‘squeak, squeal or make any noise remotely close to that. 

“I didn’t know your voice could even reach that high.” Roman added. 

“We’re all part of the same person... if one of us can use a high pitched voice, any of us could.” Virgil answered Roman, while completely ignoring the worried looks he was getting. 

“Are you sure you’re alright, kiddo?” Deceit added, he didn’t really care, but he also didn’t want to make himself look suspicious. 

“Yeah... it’s just that...” Virgil had to think of something to say and quick, because otherwise the others might find out that he wasn’t the one to make that sound. 

At the top of the stairs sat a very apologetic looking Patton, who couldn’t help making a sound when Thomas almost handed his control over to Deceit. It also took him a lot of self control to not just give Thomas all his emotions and feelings back right now. He had to remind himself that Virgil had a plan. A plan that would result in everything be normal again. A plan that contained some not so moral elements... but it was a plan. 

“Thomas was afraid.” Virgil said suspiciously. 

“Of what?” Deceit asked. Ha that reminded Virgil of the time when he was still living with Deceit and Deceit would lie away whatever Virgil was afraid of, but he didn’t... he did the complete opposite and let Virgil shake from all the nervous energy in his body. 

“I guess of giving away control... Though I don’t know why he would be...” Virgil said, like he was actually thinking about it.

Thomas looked to the ground. His look enough to admit that he didn’t know either.

“Let me tell you why you’re afraid Thomas.” The others were shocked to hear Virgil say that. His voice deep and cold, yet still recognizable, as if it was a voice connected to a person everyone used to know... or thought they new. It wasn’t Virgil talking to Thomas anymore. It was Anxiety. 

“Go on.” Thomas said carefully. That had been Deceit’s mistake. He had asked Thomas for permission to take emotional control. He had left the power over the decision with Thomas. Virgil didn’t do that. Virgil took control. Let Thomas’s anxiety and curiosity take the decision for him, before any of the other sides could intervene. Thomas had given Virgil permission to take control without even realizing it. In fact the only side who realized it was hiding at the top of the stairs trying his hardest to keep his mouth shut. This was nightmare mode and Virgil was the one in charge. 

“Anyone else feel the temperature drop like 10 degrees like right now?” Roman was the first to notice anything. Not really surprising as this was the complete opposite of daydream mode. 

“V, kiddo? What’s going on?” That was Deceit, he was the only one to call Virgil ‘V’. 

“Virgil, tell me this isn’t...” Logan. Of course he would be the first to actually grasp what was going on. Luckily fear was very capable of shutting down logic. Virgil knew all about that. 

“Isn’t what? Seriously Logan finish your sentences.” Roman said which earned him a glare from his unusually silent boyfriend. “Uhm... Logan?” Logan looked towards Virgil as if he waited for Virgil to explain himself. But that was not the plan right now. 

Virgil knew Patton was disappointed in him for sure right now. He had literally shut up Logan! What if Patton... no all of them were going to be scared of him after this?! Ugh why did nightmare mode have to affect him negatively too?! He had to be quick now.

“Virgil?” Thomas finally spoke up again. “Wha-“

“You gave me permission to do this.” Virgil spoke with a gravelly voice. A faint echo could be heard but it wasn’t quite there yet.

“I did what?” Thomas said. Now he was even more confused. 

“You want to know why you are scared. Let’s find out together okay?” Virgil’s voice got deceptively sweet at the end of that sentence. 

Logan looked at Thomas, fear and desperation clear in his eyes, as he didn’t like not being able to speak. Roman and Deceit were still confused what Virgil was talking about and so was Thomas, but Thomas really wanted to know why he was scared.

“Okay, let’s get this over with.” Thomas sighed. 

“Usually when you are scared, it means that either you are in a threatening situation or it’s more of a social situation. Since you’re just talking to us and we are technically a part of you, I don’t believe your social anxiety is speaking up right now.” Thomas nodded taking in what Virgil just said. “That would leave a threatening situation.” 

“However there is no threat here so-“ Virgil didn’t even let Roman finish his sentence. 

“Princey if you don’t want to end up like your boyfriend over there, you should really just shut up right now.” 

“What have you done to Logan?!” 

“Nothing. Well... other than shutting him up.” 

“Wha-“ 

“Listen Princey, I know I’m working in a morally grey area here.” Virgil sighed while he silently cursed himself for making a pun as he could already hear Patton cracking up above him. 

Logan could hear a giggle coming from upstairs. Was that the threat? If so he should warn Thomas about it. Oh yeah right... He couldn’t SPEAK RIGHT NOW!” But why would a threat giggle? What had Virgil said that could make it giggle? 

“Virgil please continue.” Thomas said to stop Virgil and Roman from bickering. He really wanted to know what was going on now. 

“Right we had established that you were currently feeling as if you were in a threatening situation.” Virgil reminded the others before continuing. “You are scared of handing over control manually. Maybe it’s your own mind tricking you, or maybe you have a point by doubting whether it would be the right thing to do.”

“But Virgil-“ 

“Patton...” Virgil almost spat out the name. “I’ve got this. Don’t worry about it. That’s my job.” Virgil smirked. “The facts are that you feel scared because you don’t think it is wrong to hand over most of emotional control to the side standing in front of the curtains right now, even though someone had to die for you to do so. You don’t think the murder is wrong. Or well... you know you should think it is wrong, but in reality you don’t.” The other sides looked shocked. Virgil was right. They knew they should be upset that they were part of the cause that Brennan jumped. They knew it and still... they weren’t. 

“V?” Deceit tried to get Virgil to calm down. Whatever Virgil was doing wasn’t really working in his favor right now.

Meanwhile Logan was still focused on the giggle... and the squeak... ‘morally grey area’ whatever had made the ‘threat’ giggle had to be somewhere in that part of the sentence. 

“You occasionally also didn’t think your fight with Joan was wrong either, something I had to quite heavily remind you off every time you were feeling this mysterious numbness, or you would do something stupid and ruin your friendship with them for forever.” The faint echo was finally growing more obvious, as the fear Thomas was feeling grew. 

Morally grey... Moral grey... grey area? Was... was that supposed to be some sort of pun?

“Let’s throw in another fact here, shall we? The numbness, a complete lack of feelings, was felt every time Brennan decided to off himself in ways that would kill a normal human being.”

Logan could hear another sound coming from upstairs, and since he couldn’t talk anyway, he decided to check it out, by sinking out and rising back up in the upstairs hallway. He had a theory to check out after all.

“Meaning a lack of Brennan equals a lack of feelings and... Come on Teach I’ll let you finish this one- Logan?” Where the fuck did Logan go?! 

Logan was pleased to feel Virgil pull the grip on his mouth away, meaning he would be able to alert the others of danger, would that be necessary. He didn’t believe that would be the case though. As he saw the small bundle of grey sitting at the top of the stairs. So Brennan was alive... and from his position Logan expected Virgil to know about it too... then why wouldn’t he just tell the others so? 

As Logan moved closer he could see something black on the face of the depressed side... were those... glasses? Now Logan thought about it, Brennan often squinted so it was no surprise he needed glasses. 

The sentence that had apparently made Brennan giggle still floated through Logan’s head. ‘Morally grey area’ it had to have been a pun! Maybe it had something to do with the grey wastelands surrounding the edge? Why would Brennan laugh about that? Was it because he fooled the others into believing he had gone there to commit suicide? Did he have some sort of control over Virgil? Was he really a bad person after all? Morally grey area... Logan was almost standing next to the side dressed in grey now, but he was still out of sight for Virgil. Brennan was wearing grey... so that could also be why he laughed when he heard that... morally grey... morals? Was Logan thinking about things the wrong way? He had assumed grey area was the punchline, but what if... what if it actually was about things being morally grey. Thomas not feeling bad about fighting with his best friend would mean that something was wrong with his morality. Morally grey... morality grey... grey Morality.

Logan could hear his name being called from downstairs and decided to return to his previous position there. Keeping his new found information close to his chest.


	23. The vote

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The sides vote to make Thomas’s decision easier. It doesn’t really work...

“I’m sorry I didn’t believe I was needed. You did decide to silence me after all.” Logan said while straightening his tie. 

“Where the fuck did you go?!” Virgil hissed at him.

“Virgil I do believe it to be wise for you to calm down, before you lose yourself in your make believe of trying to look tougher than you are. I think every side present would agree with me on that.” Virgil could hear it. That little bit of ‘I know exactly what you’re doing’ in Logan’s voice. It was annoying and not something he counted on. That’s why he silenced Logan in the first place. He didn’t want to have to deal with Logan explaining everything he did! 

Why did he allow Logan to speak again? This wasn’t in the plan. Logan was right he was holding up an act, and that act was crumbling quickly, now that he was thinking about it to much. 

Logan noticed the change in body language immediately. And so did the others. Another squeak could be heard and Virgil put his hand in front of his mouth, even though he didn’t actually make the sound in the first place. 

Why did he think this would work? Nightmare mode enhanced anxiety, but that not only meant it did so for Thomas... oh god he was a wreck. How was he going to convince Thomas what the right thing to do was?!

“Virgil I returned since you asked me a question. Can you repeat that question for me?” Logan asked Virgil to try and get Virgil back into the present time. 

“Thomas! Virgil is panicking. You have to give me emotional control NOW, or you’ll have a panic attack!” Deceit almost screamed it and Roman was nodding along. Nobody wanted Thomas to panic... or Virgil for that matter, but right now they were trying to keep Thomas calm as he had a decision to take.

“No.” Logan said out of nowhere, even managing to get Virgil out of his panicked trance. The side in Patton’s place shot him a glare before remembering that he had to pretend to be Patton. “This is an important decision as there is clearly something in Thomas that tells him to be careful when taking it. I propose we vote about what Thomas should do. Just so everyone has a say in it.” 

“You’re siding with Virgil on this one?” Roman was genuinely confused. Virgil had just silenced him. Logan doesn’t like to be silenced! Last time he had tried to silence Logan, Logan had panicked. (Author here: You can think of that whatever way you want) 

“Not necessarily, although I do believe our views on the subject to be similar.” Logan was about the only calm person in the room right now, nightmare mode clearly taking it’s toll on the others. “Shall we vote?” 

Logan made a small wave with his hand and everyone except for Thomas was holding a pen and a piece of paper. 

“Why...?” Virgil found his words in time to voice his confusion. “Can’t we just vote verbally?” 

“I strongly believe that voting anonymously will lead to the most reliable results. Several social studies have stressed the importance of anonymity in voicing someone’s true opinions.” Logan explained. “Even within close groups of friends or families, there are always things someone might not want to say out loud. Things like difficulties someone is facing, fears, or feelings.”

“You’re so smart Logan. That’s a great idea to ease Thomas’s fears!” Deceit beamed. Knowing that a vote would lead to a 2-2 outcome in the worst case scenario, which would still leave the deciding vote with Thomas.

“Thank you, Patton.” Logan said holding on to the frame of his glasses. His lips were pursed as if he tried to keep his expression as neutral as possible.

Was Virgil imagining it, or did Logan just reacted coldly to ‘Patton’ complementing him. Deceit, Roman and Thomas didn’t seem to notice it... but that could be due to the current tense atmosphere that was created by Virgil initiating nightmare mode earlier. The effects of which were slowly fading, after Virgil’s small panic attack earlier. 

“If EVERY side would be so kind to write ‘for’ or ‘against’ on their note, before sending it to this box that I’m holding in my hand, while I’m standing in my usual position and have my arm stretched at a 90 degree angle.”

“Yes, we can see that.” Roman said before throwing his note into the box, quickly followed by Deceit, while Virgil opted for just teleporting the note into the box. When Logan was sure the other sides had put there notes in he quickly wrote his vote down, before adding his note to the box as well. 

Logan then handed the box to Thomas, so everything would be as fair as possible and Thomas pulled out the notes one by one. 

As could be expected the votes ended up with a score of 2 sides for and 2 sides against, Thomas manually handing over emotional control. This didn’t help Thomas make the decision at all! He was about to voice his concerns with the whole voting thing when he noticed a fifth note in the box. It was folded to be smaller than the others and almost hidden in the bottom of the box. 

Thomas took it out and unfolded it, while his sides were arguing about how a voting system like that doesn’t work with an even amount of people. 

“Against.  
You’ll feel greyt again in no time!  
\- Patton” 

The i’s had little hearts on them and the o in Patton had 4 little circles above it to make it look like a paw from either a cat or a dog. 

Thomas’s chest felt warm after reading the note, but his mind was confused. Patton had basically begged him to hand over control... why was he suddenly against it now? And how did 4 sides lead to 5 votes?


	24. It’s raining pens

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Patton’s perspective on the last chapter, followed by some interesting discoveries.

“I strongly believe that voting anonymously will lead to the most reliable results. Several social studies have stressed the importance of anonymity in voicing someone’s true opinions. Even within close groups of friends or families, there are always things someone might not want to say out loud. Things like difficulties someone is facing, fears, or feelings.” Patton could hear Logan explain his voting plan, which was a little odd, but he was sure Logan had his reasons. He moved his right arm to sit in a better position when his hand brushed over a pen laying on the floor. Patton almost jumped, not expecting there to be anything laying on the floor, as there had been nothing there when he sat down earlier. 

“You’re so smart Logan. That’s a great idea to ease Thomas’s fears!” Patton cringed at hearing his own voice coming from Deceit’s mouth. So instead he focused on not accidentally throwing the pen down the stairs. That’s when he noticed the piece of paper accompanying the pen. 

“Thank you, Patton.” Logan’s voice was pure ice, and Patton wondered how the others didn’t notice it. Yes the atmosphere was tense but still... it had been a while since Logan had been so cold and condescending towards him. 

Patton’s focus went back to the pen and paper, as he saw Virgil sitting down the stairs, holding the same items. 

“If EVERY side” that was a weird emphasis... “would be so kind to write ‘for’ or ‘against’ on their note, before sending it to this box that I’m holding in my hand, while I’m standing in my usual position and have my arm stretched at a 90 degree angle.” With that information Patton could probably teleport the piece of paper into the box with the votes of the other sides. He shouldn’t as Logan would for sure notice... wait... he had gotten a piece of paper to vote with... DID LOGAN KNOW?!

Patton picked up the pen, noticing it was different from the one Virgil was holding. Virgil was holding a cheap pen, one of those things everyone in high school or college has, from those packets that sell like 20 pens at once. The pen Patton was holding was expensive. It was a pen that Logan often used to sign off schedules with, a pen Logan had on him all the time. 

Whether Logan knew he was Patton or not... Logan knew he was alive, had probably even stood right next to him as he left the pen there, and had given him a chance to vote. A chance Patton took with both hands, even signing it off with his actual name, which kind of defied the whole idea of voting anonymously, but Thomas had to see this. 

Patton knew Virgil’s confidence had dropped, and his plan was probably failing, but now Logan had given them a plan B and he had to take it!

After reading the last vote, Thomas knew something fishy was going on. Patton couldn’t be against his own idea. So Thomas did the only logical thing he could think of. 

“Why would you put your name on the vote if it was anonymous?” He asked to no one in particular. The sides looked at him in confusion. 

“Has someone done that?” ‘Patton’ asked. And that is when Thomas knew what Logan, Virgil, Patton and Deceit had already known, for different amounts of time. (Poor Princey being left out) The person standing in Patton’s place, wasn’t Patton. 

“No.” Thomas said. It seemed like it was the answer for ‘Patton’s’ question, but it wasn’t, because if it was then Thomas would be lying and lying is wrong. 

“Then why did you ask why someone would put their name on their vote?” Roman asked confused. “I mean I could sign mine of course, in case anyone wants an autograph?” 

“Oh no... Someone actually did do that. Which is why I’m going to say no to giving you the control over my emotional state.” Thomas answered Roman, while looking straight at Deceit. 

Both Virgil and Logan looked to the top of the stairs before sharing a look that conveyed their gratitude to each other, as Virgil had caught up with the fact that Logan had given the real Patton a chance to vote.

“But Thomas... what will you do then? You can’t feel numb forever.” Deceit spoke, nervously at first but ‘finding his confidence’ along the way. He still believed he could turn this around. “You know... if you don’t give it to me, there’s no one else there to take it. Not after Brennan jumped.” 

“What’s going on? Why? What?” Roman asked to nobody in particular but of course his boyfriend answered him. 

“Roman, Patton is-“

“Ow!” Logan was interrupted by Virgil voicing his discomfort after something hit him in the back of his neck. 

Roman picked up the offending object that was now laying on the floor in front of him. 

“I believe this is yours specks.” He said while throwing it in Logan’s direction. Virgil ducking away, even though the pen didn’t even come close to him. 

Logan caught the pen after fumbling with it a bit. Because let’s be honest here none of them was actually good at catching things. 

“Logan why would you throw your pen at Virgil?” Deceit asked in a tone as sweet as sugar. 

“No! Please don’t blame Logan! I accidentally dropped the pen, when I was trying to see how many spins it would make in the air. Since I was bored and had nothing better to do! I’m so sorry Virge!” The sentence was followed by a loud gasp as Patton realized what he had just done. Everyone’s attention now drawn to the top of the stairs. Where now a side dressed completely in grey, except for the black frame of his glasses, was standing behind Virgil “Oops.”


	25. SPAMMING KISSY EMOJI!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tying up the lose ends of this story. 
> 
> This fic was definitely a ride, and more difficult to write than I originally thought it would be. Not sure if I’m entirely happy with how it turned out... but I’m happy with the lovely reactions I got from all of you <3

Deceit chocked on his own saliva and started coughing. This wasn’t possible! He was DEAD! He himself had made sure Patton would jump! Why hadn’t he jumped? How had he found his way out of the wastelands? And most importantly how long had he been listening to the conversation?! 

“Brennan you’re alive!” Deceit shouted trying to sound as happy as he could, once he had stopped coughing. Deceit had thought that the others would be happy Brennan wasn’t dead, and would voice their happiness as well, but instead the other sides and Thomas were eerily quiet. “And you have glasses too now! We can all be glasses buddies, right Logan?” 

“Yikes.” Logan answered after a not very long, but really awkward pause. “We can not do that.” Patton’s face fell, after hearing Logan say that... he thought Logan knew it was him, but apparently he had only wanted to give Brennan a vote... not Patton... 

“We can not do that since the frames you are currently wearing on your face, do not actually contain glass lenses and are merely see-through pieces of plastic.” Logan continued. “Which is why, when I was intoxicated by the pain medication Thomas got in the hospital and I took your glasses instead of my own, I couldn’t actually see anything through them. While I am fairly certain that PATTON and I share the same prescription.”

“Oh... I see what’s going on now...” Roman muttered, finally understanding what Logan was about to say, before Virgil was hit by the falling pen. 

“I think I do too...” Thomas said before looking at Deceit again. “Do you care to explain, or?” Thomas didn’t even get the chance to finish his sentence, before Deceit booked it and quickly ran out of everyone’s line of sight before sinking out. 

“Well that was anticlimactic.” Roman said in a sarcastic tone, before everyone turned their attention towards the real Patton again. Bombarding him with questions how it had ever been able to get this far. 

Well... strangely enough everyone but Virgil did. 

It is not like Virgil didn’t want to know the things he didn’t already know. It wasn’t really making him anxious listening to it anymore either. He was just preoccupied by the text messages he was currently getting from a very hyper and high on caffeine Remy, who was talking about Patton walking around in the dark sides hallway.

Remzzzz: yo, what up with Pat????

Remzzzz: he walkin round here like he owes the place

Remzzzz: 8owns 

Remzzzz: **owns

Remzzzz: I’m at creepville hallway btw.

Remzzzz: he’s looking Upset by something.

Remzzzz: should I do somethingz bout it?

Remzzzz: Virggeeee answer me I’m boredddd. 

Remzzzz: either answer me or come get your lovebird yourself bitch!

Virgil blushed lightly at Remy’s last message before sneaking a picture, of the real Patton standing next to him. By now Patton had used his shapeshifting abilities to get back into his usual outfit with the blue polo shirt and the sweater hanging over his shoulders. 

Eye-bags emo: *send a picture*

Remzzzz: SPAMMING KISSY EMOJI!!

Eye-bags emo: seriously you’re not even going to actually put the emojis down? 

Virgil tried to keep his sarcastic edge, which luckily worked better over the phone, as in real life he was definitely blushing a very bright pink right now, and Remy would have teased him about it for weeks. 

Eye-bags emo: Anyways, this pic was taken only a few seconds ago in Thomas’s living room, where Patton still is btw. You have free range to do anything you want to the ‘Patton’ walking around there. 

Eye-bags emo: Don’t tell the real Patton I told u that! 

Remzzzz: sure! Wink 

Eye-bags emo: Rem just use your fucking emoji keyboard! 

Remzzzz: nevaaahh! 

And with that Remy dealt with Deceit, blowing off some steam so he wouldn’t keep Thomas awake all night. Nothing about this was told to the others as they didn’t need to know... but let’s just say that it took a while before any of the sides, or Thomas actually saw Deceit again. The bags under Deceit’s eyes betraying that he hadn’t slept very well for a while, even though he insisted that he had. As usual, he was lying. 

Patton and Virgil ended up together, which made movie nights less awkward as it no longer was ‘the arguing but affectional couple’ and ‘the friends who were awkwardly pining after each other, both craving affection, but having nobody to give and take that affection from.’

The sides talked about their feelings with each other more often, always making sure there were two people listening, so nobody would accidentally share something with Deceit that Deceit could immediately use against them. 

Thomas had overcome his depression and his relationship with Joan and Talyn completely restored and had never been better! 

Remy has been steadily steeling coffee from Logan, and has been experimenting with it trying to come up with new drinks. Virgil has tried a few of them, being the only ‘light side’ that knew about it. He doesn’t drink it too often though, as the high amounts of caffeine can make him a bit jittery. 

Logan often wondered why his special coffee blend was disappearing even faster than his Crofters did once he didn’t hide it from Roman. 

Speaking of Roman... he was kind of neglected in this fic and is very angry about it. He keeps yelling that he should have been the main character as he is ‘the prince’ and princes are important in stories. It’s been 45 minutes... please send help! 

And Patton? Patton was doing good. Things weren’t always perfect. But it was good! And there were lots of things to live for and to love! And of course there were plenty of people who loved Patton back.

 

Everything was good. 

 

For now...


	26. Further reading

Thank you so much for reading this fic and leaving nice comments!   
It means so much to me!!!

Love you all <3 

 

If you liked this, you might also like my 

Sanders Sides Bookstore AU:  
Thrillers and Fairytales (Prinxiety + background Logicality) (finished)  
And the prequel   
Textbooks and Novels (Logicality)

Sanders Sides School of Rock AU  
Sides of Rock (Prinxiety + background Logicality) 

Prinxiety’s lullaby (songfic) 

 

Hope to see you at some other fics!

-x- ScarletEyes


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